Mud Goddess

Yoga: To Yoke

2011-06-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

I am eight weeks into my Core Power Yoga Teacher Training. Eight weeks. I never realized how much one can learn, grow, change their body, mind and spirit, and their entire outlook on life in eight weeks. When I started I knew I was accomplishing a dream that had been showing up on my collages for the past ten years. I knew it was good. I could never have known how good. Like jumping off the edge of a cliff into an abyss, one can never know what is down there until we leap and begin our descent, or in this case, ascent. I look at my collages now and it is eerie. The yoga, the scenes, the friends, I am clear I have created my life straight out of my visions, dreams, wishes, writings and lived those creative art pieces into existence. Now when I collage, it is not just that I am envisioning a future, I am actually revealing to myself what dreams are under the surface that I am already manifesting, conscious and not.

I did not expect to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I stand here now a much wiser woman, clearer about the road I am traveling and paradoxically ever more baffled at the magnificent wonder of it all. I don't know where I am going, but each new place I show up seems to me to be divinely orchestrated and my faith in that is growing all the time. I have been profoundly touched by partner yoga, Yogassage, Sanskrit, Kirtan, rich Hindu Mythology, Cadaver lab, and the hero's journey that we all take at some point, in varying ways and degrees, as we make our way home to ourselves. I did not expect to fall so in love with the people in my class. I did not expect to gain so much inner strength and will to try new things, as simple as a tri-pod headstand, or hand-stand, but in these endeavors, I have unlocked a piece of my heart that I shut down long ago out of fear and a story called, "I can't do it." And now, I can only say that I am giddy like a child after every first attempt at something new and for the poses I have achieved for the first time, it's like a new me is re-born in that moment, a me with a shining third Chakra power center! Core Power is about so much more than abs. Those abs represent the energy of one who endeavors to stretch and expand-mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Plus, it is great fun being upside down and falling all over the place!

I never expected to uncover that touch is a passion of mine. I didn't know that could be a passion. I desire to cultivate connection and touch amongst we humans, spending our time together using our bodies to stretch, support, deepen, release, strengthen, energize, heal. I realize this path I am on reveals little pieces at a time until, before we know it, we have cultivated rich depth, appreciation and capability as we have walked the good red road. When I am old, my hair is gray, and there are lines upon my face...I know, in many ways, I will be the same awake, rhythmic, beating heart that I am today, with all of me that I was at one and two and three, and thirty-three plus the capacities of the me that is growing ever more deeply into each moment, which becomes this vast future of miracles and new possibilities for expansion and awareness and service. I don't know where I am going, but I know I trust, ever more deeply all the time, in the perfection of each step being laid down before me. I pray, dear God, wash away all the wounds, sores, scars and tensions of my heart and allow it to open like a beacon of light, shining to light the way for us all. May all our hearts be joined in the reality of All is One and may we play, tumble, and hand stand all the way home!

My Turn

2011-04-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

We are coming upon
My turn
It is almost time
For my turn
Soon, there will be no interruption
Soon, that bubble will form
Golden, full of light
Surrounding me
In sacred space
And yes, it will be full of angels
And yes, fairies too
And they will be whispering in my ear:
This is your time
This is your space
To make your art
To make your start
To close the door
And take the floor
In the imaginative world
Of my own making
Of infitine blessings
And waves to behold
Of deep rooted stories
Waiting to be told
Many years
I have spent
Saying:
Yes, Ma'am
Or
Sure, Sir
Many years I have spent
Looking up at mom
Wondering
Are you proud?
Am I good enough?
Did I do it right?
That girl is grown
That new moon has shone
This snake has just about shed its skin
And soon
I will carve out
A sacred space
For me
To make
My art
And I will start
That book I know
That poetry flow
That reasonable hour
Of clock-ticking power
Where I will make the beauty of GOD!
Again and again
The way only I can
In this one life
With this one chance
To put my poem on the page
All of my guilt
The last of my rage
The inspiring sage
She is me
And I am she
Infinite goddess
As deep as the sea
Tell me!
Is it my turn, yet?

Weeds in the Heart

2011-04-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

My beloveds look at me and say

How are you?

I smile, and know that they love

But how does one create the depth of a vast ocean

Inside the constraints of our words?

How can I paint you a picture of the caverns and caves inside?

I wish I could open up my chest when you ask how I am

And let you dive in and swim around for awhile

And then greet you at the end, on a nice beach, with a drink

And say, "So what did you see? How am I? What should I say when people ask?"

These days there are no words

For the renovation of my heart

An old love is moving out

Making space for the new

And I know

All change is helpful

But in this vacancy

There is raw, exposed flesh

So I protect it

It is my greatest jewel

And I wait for magic moments to pull back the covers

And reveal its light

The past:

Like a weed pulled from the ground

You know it must go

For the growth of something more bountiful

But it is this expunging of life

This tearing up and out

Which leaves a hole, in the ground

Or in this case, my heart

And the ripping of flesh

Is painful

And sometimes it feels lonely

Sad

I mean, come on folks, where are we? what the fuck is going on?? I am spinning in a vast universe and I don't get it...

And so I settle in and feel my body

I look upon this sadness and ask:

From where do you come?

Are you really mine?

And I realize there are old pictures

Energy from parents that is not mine

In my space

About what love is

Of how it should be

And I blow them

It is just energy

And here, now, I can ground into present time

Fill up on me

Know that all roads lead to Rome

Which really means

We are on our way home

I am not alone

This separateness is not true

Like a pilgrim

Weary from travel

I let go of my way

And know

Thy Will Be Done!

So if you ask me how I am

Know that when I say,"Good."

It really means that I am growing a new heart

That I am tender like a newborn

That I am making a fresh start

That weeds have been pulled from my garden

I feel like I am missing a limb

I am grappling with death

I am letting go of everything

I am trusting that all will come to me

I need do nothing

I belong to source

Do you get all that when I just say, "Good?"

I'm Likely to Lick You!

2011-03-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

So you better watch out! :) Okay, not really, I am too well programmed from my past and still have all my guck about wanting to be liked and to fit in and I don't ever plan to go to jail. :)

Right now, I am looking at all these beings around me and all I see is walking Love. Love is up, awake and walking around! The beauty and mystery and power of you incredible beings astounds me. If ever I was sleeping, the Great Spirit has awoken me and sparked my heart to see the light that is in us. Maybe it is all that precious care I have been taking of myself. Maybe in learning to saturate myself in tenderness I have arisen from my sick bed to see you people anew- to see you with the eyes of a child. So often my desire is to pull you close, whisper in your ear that thing I think you might need to hear and then I would hold you close, tenderly nurturing that child in your heart who just wants to be reminded that you are safe and perfect and loved. After that, I might lick you. Simply to play and taste you, nectar of the Gods. You are the nectar of God. But actually, on second thought, I don't really want to go around licking everyone, but you get my drift, right?

So often I want to hug people. I may not know you well, but I feel the swell in my heart and want to share and express my love! And by the way, I know there are others out there just like me, so good job holding it together and acting subdued. And for those dark nights, or sunshiney days when you let it burst forth like lightning in a storm, good job! I invite us all to explode forth in our love just a little bit more. And if you lick me, I won't ever mind. :)

This one is for my late grandma, Jacqueline Bates Haynes Shewell. She loved everyone. I mean it, I know people say that but she would have held your hand if you were a stranger on the street who opened the door for her, and she would have looked you in the eye, and said with all of her heart, "Aw honey, I love you." She would have meant every word. I watched her, day after day, year after year, be a crusader for that all people deserved our love. God grandma, you did it so well. You are my hero and I hope I am making you proud. And Holy Spirit, what would you have me do? Where would you have me go? What would you have me say and who would you have me say it to? Oh, and grandma, I found God. Your one wish. I didn't find "him" like you thought- it is not via the Bible or a Southern Baptist Church. Turns out, it was in me all along, it is who I really am. I just forgot for awhile. :)

The Holy Spirit is Present, Even at the DMV.

2011-03-04T12:44:00.001-08:00

I lost my license. The picture on my last one was taken when I was in my early twenties. It was a really good picture. People always tell me so. Today, I have gray hairs. Today, I am 13 pounds heavier. Today, I have wrinkles. I thought of all these things as I approached the DMV, seeing myself age before my own eyes, letting go of things of the past.

When I arrived it was surprisingly packed for a Friday morning, I mean, aren't you all supposed to be working? My number said 909 and the sign read 548. What?! I sat down for a few moments and then walked to the coffee shop and to my car to get my notebook so I could write, how else was I to "kill" all this time?

I noticed my ego was making this situation wrong. It shouldn't be this way, this is my day off. I stopped myself mid-thought. I prayed to the Holy Spirit, your will be done, and decided that if where I was right now was the DMV then that is exactly perfect and I am going to open up to seeing the presence of God.

I went back in and sat down in a new spot. I glanced at a thin, tall, blonde woman with blue eyes and a chiseled face. My immediate thought was that she did not seem very friendly. I shared aloud, "I thought I was number 909 but I just realized I read it upside down and I am number 606, my day just got better!" She looked at me and laughed and we began to talk. By the end of the hour and a half I learned that she was a nurse in a downtown Denver hospital. She worked 12 1/2 hour shifts with no lunch break. Sometimes her patients would all ring for her at once and one might be angry and yell at her by the time she arrived. She has a daughter who is in 2nd grade who studied hard for her spelling test and was nervous this morning. We both grew up in Ohio. She asked if I had seen the movie, "Waiting for Superman." I shared with her my perspective on teaching and education, we shared what we would do if we ran the world. My notebook for writing barely got touched. I spent the whole time getting to know her. Soon her mom came in and we three began to laugh and chat. We discussed the military, nursing, education, the financial system, retirement, lunch breaks and science trivia. Others began to come and sit near us. No one else spoke, but many looked at us, made eye contact, smiled. We were the only folks in the whole place talking.

It has always interested me how human beings behave in many public spaces. For example, at my local gym everyone just ignores everybody else and it is often eerily silent. I sometimes desire to just start talking. Wouldn't you rather connect with me than watch TV? For many folks, the answer is no. There is a culture, especially in Colorado, of easy going, I mind my business and you mind yours and we leave each other alone. I have often thought that we could revolutionize humanity's relating to one another if we just all started talking to each other wherever we are. These strange social norms developed over time, where we each have our roles to play, keep us separate and distant. I am the customer, you are the sales rep. I am the teacher, you are the parent. I want to connect with you and know you beyond our roles. I want laughter in the stiffest of silent places.

In a small pale room called the DMV, with florescent lights and white linoleum tile, full of people sitting in chairs with headphones on, or starting at the wall, or scrolling through their phones, we can miss the opportunity to connect with and honor the holy spirit that is in each one of us always. We never know who is sitting next to us. A hero, a great teacher, a fabulous mother. What is possible if we wake up to that we are all the same in our essence, we are all equal, none of us is greater? I mean beyond knowing this intellectually, I mean acting like there is no separation publicly. I mean like loving, hugging, smiling, touching the stranger on the airplane, the TSA agent, the grocery clerk. I want so badly for our personas to melt way so the essence of our magnificence can shine forth.

I also met Eric, whose picture is included here. He played ukelele outside while we waited and shared that he picked out his favorite shirt for his new picture on his license. He is studying biology and philosophy at CU and shared with me a unique project I can do with students about DNA.

In the end, though I walked out of there with a photo of an older version of me, the woman on the inside is wise and deep. Sure, in my early twenties my skin was tighter and thinner and I looked young and beautiful. However, that girl, would not have thought twice about talking to anyone at the DMV. That girl, didn't have the same caverns and wells of depth developed within to turn a simple trip to the local DMV into an adventure in opening to God. So, as I age, and my skin goes slack and my hair turns dull, I know all the beauty is soaking deeper in to my insides, igniting the lantern within. For in the end, all this of the false, external world, will fall away, including the DMV, and all we will have is the work we have done on our insides.

Let us cultivate beauty within, at least as much as we attend to the beauty of the external. As Eckhart Tolle says, "Be at least as interested in what is going on inside as outside."

I dream of a day when we are free, beyond what we know that word to mean now. A day when my brothers and sisters don't spend their precious free time getting a license to verify their identity. A day when my precious brothers and sisters are not indentured servants to a job they hate. A day when the beautiful woman behind the counter, who spends day after day in a little box, on an old stool, under horrible lights, doesn't have to be there anymore, and is free to explore and create and live and love and has all her needs taken care of.

Our abundance does not come from our paycheck. Our source is much greater than that, let us all bow down and acknowledge the true source and free ourselves of the chains that bind.

On the Wings of Forgiveness

2011-02-08T20:17:00.000-08:00

"Lonely is the soul who cannot forgive. For when you hold something against another you hold it against yourself and isolate yourself. When you are angry with someone, you withhold that which is of value to you, the positive qualities of being, from that person. What happens when you do this? As long as you are withholding that which is beautiful, valuable, and wonderful from the other person, you cannot give it to yourself either. Try it and see what happens.

As we forgive others, so we are forgiven.

Forgiving begins with your willingness to give to spirit regardless of what condition it is in.

Forgiveness doesn't demand that you condone what others do; you only need to give willingly to the life within them, which is the same one life within you. Each time you forgive, you heal the spirit trapped within the action and the person.

Often we resist forgiving for fear that, in forgiving, the hurtful experience may be repeated. In truth, however, it is only in forgiving that we cull the wisdom from our experience and, once the lesson is learned, we need not repeat it."

You Are the Answer by Michael Tamura

Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy;

O divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

5 Ways to Beat the Winter Blues

2011-02-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

1. Peppermint Oil- put it in tea or water, inhale, etc. The menthol has anti-depressant properties. Inhale before a workout for extra energy.

2. Fluorescent light. Changes melatonin in your brain- reduces melatonin and inhibits depression.

3. Chili Peppers- one chemical in them naturally boosts energy. Great for mid-afternoon slump.

4. Ginger Tea- helps with metabolism. Calms the inflammation of the body, helps with weight.

5. Ginkgo Biloba- supports healthy blood flow to the brain.

Wise Wench, Colors.

2011-02-04T22:36:00.000-08:00

My inner child's message to me. Drawn with non-dominant hand.
And another.
Crayons. ;)
An altar for me, by me, for her. I'm 5. I'm petting a deer. I look fucking adorable!
For cleansing. And love.
And protection.
And ritual.
Tonight I stayed in. I danced around in my living room to some of my favorite, I'm a funkin' powerful woman and I got major juju music! Got some face crack and then went to my hot tub to soak and ground. I filled myself up with juicy me energy and then laid on my couch. wet. knowing it would get wet. ain't no one gonna tell me what to do, yo! :)

After showering and rubbing myself up with some fine jojoba oil, I ate delicious avocado with salt. mm. Licked my lips a lot. Folded and put away clothes and then began to color with my non-dominant hand, advice from high council. My roomie and I then made the fire you see, of salt and alcohol, to cleanse our space. We set intentions, created sacred space and protection for we, the beautiful women, of our tipi.

A story came to mind of a time when I was young, and hurt. I got up and grabbed a picture of my cute 5 year old self and made an altar to me, my inner child, my dear, gentle, angel self. I protected her with rose quartz, hearts, an angel, and Ganesha. Above the altar, a note to myself reads, "You are free to birth whatever you so desire." So mote it be. I love loving myself this well. Yes! Here's to art, coloring, non-dominance, balance, tenderness and honoring innocence.

Oh man, have we come so far, we are doing so well. Create a little sacred space for you, or the little one who dwells within.

Manifesting Accident!

2011-02-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

The lovely fire being.

Nourishing food: Eggs, yellow pepper, pesto, garlic, cheese, salsa, spinach, avocado, spelt tortilla

Today is wishcasting Wednesday, A new moon, Candlemas, Imbolc, and Ground Hog Day! Enjoy this mid-point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox!

Last night, my beautiful roommate, Jennifer, made a VERY intentional fire, prayed to all directions and tended the fire ALL night long. Never have I seen someone be so present and honoring of the fire being, nor have I seen someone gently nudge and nurture a fire for hours on end. At one point, when we were gazing into the flames, she asked what I do with my old collages. Truthfully, I either keep them hidden away, or I recycle them. She asked if I wanted to burn any to release the prayers. One collage in particular appeared in my mind. YES, I have one I want to burn, and I want to burn it BADLY!

Just recently, a lover of mine, a man I love, took his ex-girlfriend on a trip to Napa Valley. On one of my favorite collages there is a picture of a man and a woman in Napa Valley, at a vineyard, feeding one another grapes. Coincidentally, I had just recently pulled out this collage and hung it on my wall. You see, I think I manifested my desire, I just was not specific enough. :) I did not ensure and intend that I wanted that couple in the picture to be ME and my lover, not my lover and another woman. Oops.

I got up from the fire and pulled out the collage. She and I looked over it very carefully. I realized that the man in the picture, tall, dark and handsome, sure did look like my lover, and the woman? She did not look like me. Not at all. Bummer. Something about my intentions and creation of that collage seemed to be me creating some desires on top of fears. It was made in a time when I could see a picture of what I wanted but really did not believe that I could actually have it. And you see, even the "picture" of what I wanted relationship to look like was formed from programming from my family and culture. I am really looking at the programming I inherited from my "society" and my family; the pictures, or definitions of what family is, what it means to be in partnership, or married.

It is time for me to release what does not work for me and create anew what it means to me to have a family. I am sitting in meditation with the feelings of what it means to me to be loved and chosen by another and offered support AND, do you know what? I can fill up on those feelings any time I want! It does not actually take another human being. If what I desire is to feel loved and supported, I can give that to myself. In fact, that is the only way for me to really have it. It always comes from within, we can never expect, nor rely, on another to supply us with anything. And if we won't take the time to give it to ourselves, how can we ask another to give it to us?

You see, I, you, we, many of us, were raised to believe that we would be complete, or full, or worthy, when we were married, or had children, or landed that perfect job, or got that degree. Many of us have woken up to that this is programming. It is time, now, to release those pictures, those old desires and fears and surrender to the universe.

Do you know who made you? I believe I am not my creator. I believe something much larger, which I like to call The Holy Spirit, created me. Therefore, I am not alone. I do not have to do it alone. I need not answer the questions I have. It's time that we make our business asking questions, asking for what we would like and then give it up to God, spirit, whatever you call your creator. I released those old pictures into the fire being, and prayed that Holy Spirit release me from my fears and bless me with love and peace.

As for him, I release him too, with this prayer from ACIM, "I give you to the holy spirit as part of myself, I know that you will be released unless I want to use you to imprison myself, in the name of my freedom I choose your release because I recognize we will be released together." Amen!

Bless you lovers on your journey. My prayer for you is that you be released from the bonds that you have created and open to the love and joy that is yours always. May we all forgive one another, for by doing so we forgive and free ourselves. Love is who we are, forever. :) Go make joy!

Baby It's Cold Outside

2011-02-01T18:50:00.001-08:00

I'm in my pajamas in bed. I feel uber cozy and comfortable and I feel great about that. Today was day number four off of work and I look forward to my fifth day tomorrow. Boulder is a chilly -19 or so, which is a Colorado record, or so says me mum. Coldest night ever in Colorado! Fancy that! I am a snug bug in my rug and I'm alright with this news, I like novelty. Today I nurtured myself all day. I got a massage, went to the chiropractor, visited with my therapist (yes, I am in therapy and I love it and highly recommend it!) and I ate delicious, nutritious food and soaked in my hot tub, meditated, journaled, read, watched A Course in Miracles, sat in front of the warm fire and burned an old collage to release those prayers, and, best of all, my new roomie and I made delicious hot cocoa with cinnamon, cayenne pepper, chocolate and we whipped it up to make it frothy. Wow, how good can we have it? How amazing can you stand it? Just stay in the questions. You need not know how to answer! Learning to love myself has been a long journey, but I feel as if I am making grand strides, in this, my 33rd rotation around the sun. I am learning the joy of focusing my attention on me, asking myself what I desire, what I would like and giving it to myself. I am learning that my relationship with me is the most important one I will ever have and so it is time well spent to snuggle up with Self and nurture away. What did you do to nurture you today? Stay warm on this night and I bless you on your journey. My prayer for you tonight is that you experience rest, peace and the realization that you are the source of all you experience! So source away and make it gay! May you rejoice in the darkness of winter, knowing that the light within will always keep you warm. I love you.

"How much do you love yourself? It's good to know since it's directly related to how much you can truly love another. If you don't love yourself, you will make your lover pay for all of your guilt and sense of unworthiness. Learn to love yourself...clean up your mistakes, forgive those that need to be forgiven and heal those buttons that others can easily push." Quote from, "Daily Transformations."

After Awhile, We Get Use to Shit (I've done it to myself)

2011-01-31T07:11:00.000-08:00

Forgive me my trespasses for using the word shit, but it's true. Sometimes when we put up with shit, we begin to get comfortable there, we forget we are in shit. Today I got up at 5:30 a.m. and went to Boot Camp. The only reason I got myself there was because I was resisting it so badly that I knew I should go. It has been a long time since I experienced my ego that strong- I've put it off for weeks, and even though I was awake by 5:15 naturally and already out of bed, I texted my girlfriend, "It's too early! I can't go!! My head hurts!!" Lying there, hoping she'd accept my resignation, I realized my life would never change if I kept playing the same old games. I texted back, "I'm up! I'm coming!" I threw on my clothes, slammed some water, and in the icy cold I made my way there. After jump roping, running, squats, knee kicks and butt kicks, dead hangs and throwing an 8 lb ball at the wall using my obliques, I began to feel ill. I made my way to the bathroom. There, I encountered my ego, shadow side, whatever you want to call it, louder than I have in some time. It was telling me I was worthless, fat, lazy, a loser, and that I couldn't do it. I wanted to quit life. I was ready to leave there, not go to work, and curl up in bed, surrendering to that the best of my life was behind me. I realized that I have not pushed myself that hard since I broke both bones in my lower leg four years ago and couldn't walk for three months and had to learn to walk again. All that sadness and shame and rage came boiling up to the surface. I realized I had become very comfortable in life, comfortable with shit and it was showing itself in all areas of my life. I have been complacent about my work, my body and well-being and my relationships. I have accepted shit for years now. You can openly shit on me and I will be comfortable with that. I knew, in the small confines of those brick walls, that if I wanted the life I dream of, it was time to push myself and get VERY uncomfortable. Lately, I am all about comfort. I want comfort foods, my comfortable bed, comfortable weather, comfortable relationships, so I will settle for shit and I call myself happy. I began to lovingly tell myself, "These are just thoughts. They are not true." Soon, my sickness passed and I grounded and centered myself and faced the people outside the door, still hard at work. I came out, letting go of shame, and resumed exercising. When I was done, many shared that lots of folks get sick their first time or two and have to sit out. Instantly, I realized, once again, I was not alone. Feelings of well-being returned, and I was reminded that there is no need EVER to feel shame. However, there is a need to push oneself to grow. Sometimes I think I am working hard, but I'm not. I am skimming by and calling it work. Like the fleas that stop jumping so high when a lid is put on the jar, I too have stopped jumping so high. Once that lid is removed, they never attempt to jump higher than they did before, they stay trapped, in an open jar, forever. I do not want to settle for shit when I can have anything I want for myself and my life. It's time, Rachel, it is time. Growth can cause pain, stretch marks, uncomfortableness. It's time to surrender to the pain, to go into it. I'm willing to push myself to be with the discomfort so I can transform life as I know it and get a kick-ass body in the process- a physical manifestation of my inner spiritual work.

"The only way out is through." -Akka Mahadevi

P.S. Update: Couple hours later I am seeing the world in a new perspective. I give thanks to my dear brother, Earl Raj Purdy and his amazing teachings of A Course in Miracles. See today's lesson on my wall if you want a serious turn-around with the thoughts you are currently thinking. Anyway, as much as it feels good to vent and say the word, "shit" as soon as that is out of my mouth I seek out a way to turn it around and get responsible for my occurring world. I realize that suffering is optional and the world I see is a reflection of my thoughts. So, let's express ourselves, but know the truth. And the truth is that which is true always. We are divine beings created by God and we are full of light and possibility and can create amazing wonders, but we must do the work of looking at our thoughts and be responsible for that our thoughts and perceptions create the world we see. "The world is innocent. No one is to blame. I've done this to myself." ACIM (Purdy) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNSPSXvvxE0

To Savor Sweetness Like the Honey Bee, I Promise to Do for Me:

2010-11-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

Daily Goals:

Up by 6:30 a.m.

Eat breakfast every day

Meditate 20 minutes a day at least

Walk 30 minutes/ day

Drink lots of H2O

Write every day

Smile more often

Laugh daily

Lighten up

Gratitude daily

In bed by 10 p.m. on the weekdays, flooding my body with consciousness and saying my prayers for the incredibly divine abundance I experience each and every day!

Weekly Goals:

Dance 2 x a week

Yoga 2 x a week

Weights 2 x a week

One poem written weekly

Time in nature every week

Time with loved ones every week

Do readings 1x a week minimum

Attend my Clairvoyant class every Monday

Monthly Goals:

Save 75.00 per month

Meet and reflect upon daily/weekly goals

Go out of town

Do something new

Longer term goals:

Yoga teacher training, Core Power Yoga

NIA white belt training

MFA Creative Writing, CU, Boulder, Colorado- or- MFA, Naropa University

Italy, Peru, South of France

Dathun meditation retreat, Crestone, Colorado

Develop a relationship with my father

Write my memoir

Publish poems

Write a book for children and illustrate it myself

Rise Up

2010-11-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

I have known so many selfish lovers
It really is sad
The way they rise up
After what they've just had

It is as if they think it is done
The show is over
The battle's been won

With their semen dripping down my thighs
I've tried to tell them
Between their goodbye's
Still they rise

On to the next task
Or thing to do
What? Ya gotta tie your shoe?

I mean what is more important than worshipping the Goddess?
What could you find to do
That could open you
To the divine mysteries that dwell within her soul?

They do not know
The vast ocean of delight and surprise
The ebbing and flowing
The sweet reprise

Oh man, if they only knew
The things we could feel
The things She can do

I am this ocean
This deep wave of blue
Ebbing and flowing
Succumbing to you

And i go deeper
Get better
If only you knew

But you're out the door
There's more to do

Oh man, when I'm alone
Loving in my bed
The rolling waves of pleasure
The visions in my head!

The deep convulsions
The pitter-patter of my heart
The swell of emotion
This is only the start!

On and on
My deepening goes
Ebbing and flowing
Only She knows

The vastness of pleasure
The startling sea
That is much like the moon
Swimming in you or in me
Bright like the stars
Warm as the sun
Ripples and tides
Coming undone

Jolts and pulses
Rising inside
Dark as the nights
Bright as the skies

She is me
She is we
A golden path
to our ecstasy

Hours upon hours
She could come to you
Hours upon hours
She could come!

Undone

We are one
In our blissful bath
Of God and Goddess
In our blissful bed
If we take the time
We can be the divine

This is a way
A way to love
This is a path
Not a push, nor a shove!

Oh my love!
Come to me!
Meet me here!
Kick off your shoes!
Forget your fear!

Ignite! Rejoice!
Deepen in me!
I am your access
To eternity!!

Wishcasting Wednesday? What Do You Wish to Shed?

2010-10-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

I wish to shed the old belief that I am not lovable. That me, as I am right here and now is somehow not enough. Lacking. Not worthy.

I wish to shed that I am responsible for other people's feelings.

I shed that I have to work hard to have abundance.

I let go of avoidance of the present moment.

I let go that I have to have something to be abundant.

I shed the idea that romantic relationships are sad and disappointing.

I shed that I am my mother.

I shed the cap that my family and my programming has on me and what is possible.

I shed the old paradigms that I inherited of what love is, what family is, what it means to be successful.

I shed that I can't make my dreams come true.

I shed that I have to have coffee.

I shed that I can't have coffee.

I shed that if I have a family I will lose myself.

I shed that I am not doing enough.

I shed that I must be like others.

But most of all, I shed that there is anything I must shed.

Showcase

2010-10-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

Like a shade drawn over a window
I feel separated from you

Like our love...
Was it love?
Blossomed anew
Right in front of our eyes
Or was I just a place to relax between thighs?

I got frightened
Demanding

You lost your temper
Dumped your past on me like a suitcase
That flies open
On a bumpy flight
Scattered fragments
Of a you
You are letting go
A light
Is igniting anew
I see it
So do you

So why this dumping?
This explicit showcase
Drowning me in images
Of times and people gone by

You decided we were through?
Next stop is what you were on to?
Makes it easier to walk away
Fill me with your stories
Then tell me there is nothing to say?

And the sex?
As if we had opened
As if we had time
To blossom like the luminous flower
Bursts towards the sun
Do you want me to run?
When slow and steady is my pace

Sexy softening
Revealing in layers
Stewing in feminine grace
Sweetly oozing my flavors
I receive and savor
The intoxicating power of you

In time
With trust
I reveal my lust

Following your finger
As you trace the curves of my skin
I want to jump in
Lick you from within

Your slow, soft touch
Moments of blissful unfolding
Kissing you in the warm sun
Opening
Coming undone

Melting in your embrace
Not fucking fast, like a race
I have done that
Been there
I don't need that showcase

I want explosions
A bursting of stars
Not this symphony of old scars

Are you in a hurry?
Like a ticking clock
Late for a date
This moment second rate

You were always leaving
Even before I knew you were coming

I leave
You go
Nothing much is said but, "Know."
You want me to just know
I get it
It's true
There is so much to see
Within me
Truth
Rising like a fire
To warm my heart
Presence
A new start
Why talk?
Mental chatter
Given a stage
Does it ignite your rage?

But still, I am human
I want to hear the words from your mouth
I want to see the way your lips move as you say, "I love you too. I will be back. I want you."

Does this make me needy?
To desire to hear
The sweet words of reciprocation as they fall from your tongue
To my ear
This is how I want to know you
To share

Deeply
In many tender places
On dark, cold nights
So I can warm
My heart
By the fire
Of our light

So I go back
To slow and steady wins the race
We are friends
We can reveal at a slow pace
Get to know one another
Reveal our true face

Naked

2010-10-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

“How one lives as a private person is intimately bound into the work. And at some point, I believe one has to stop holding back for fear of alienating some imaginary reader or real relative or friend, and come out with personal truth. If we are to understand the human condition, and if we are to accept ourselves in all the complexity, self-doubt, extravagance of feeling, guilt, joy, the slow freeing of the self to its full capacity for action and creation, both as human being and artist, we have to know all we can about one another, and we have to be willing to go naked.”

- May Sarton

Dirty Dancing: Child Lesbian, or Sensually Curious?

2010-10-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

When I was around 9 years old my mom took me to see the movie "Dirty Dancing." I loved it! I remember being entranced with their beautiful bodies, the way they moved, the sex and sensuality. As we walked out of the theater my mom said, "Had I known it was like that I would not have taken you to see it." I remember feeling like I had gotten away with something and I was SO pleased. The thought of having missed that erotic experience sent shivers up my spine.

What is it with people thinking children and young people should be kept away from sensual experiences? I was at school the other day and two cute little 5 year old girls kissed each other on the mouth. The teacher was in shock, grabbed one girl, picked her up and moved her to the other side and sat in between them. When the other girl asked why she could not sit by her friend, the teacher snidely remarked, "Your mouths were way too close." I thought, "Great, another fucked up kid." If you are five, you don't understand this. You know it feels nice and that you want to do it and then, "Bam!" Someone is grabbing you and moving you away and acting strange and you are confused. Association number one with pleasure and confusion. As a five year old, all you know is that your wants and desires are bad. Then we spend the rest of our lives feeling guilty or shameful for wanting to be close to another person.

I use to make out with a neighborhood girl when I was 5 and 6. We would shut my bedroom door and she would lay on top of me and we would kiss and I remember that it felt really good. For many years I hid this like a dark secret that I should be ashamed of and I assumed that something was wrong with me and maybe I was a lesbian. Now, with the capacities of a 32 year old woman who has a Masters in Education and has taken many human growth and development classes, I know that behavior was normal and healthy. I know that I am glad we were never caught so that I could relish in the excitement of our innocent pleasure without having the situation exacerbated by an adult.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that little kids should be able to molest one another all day long. I am saying, however, that this American culture has an ill relationship to sex and it starts with the way we rear our young and the cycle perpetuates from there. I remember, during my studies in Anthropology, (it's one of my minors) learning about a culture where the young people are encouraged to experiment sexually starting in adolescence. As a result, the people have very healthy relationships, rape does not exist and when the people of the tribe choose a mate, they often report having healthy, long-lasting, sexually fulfilling relationships.

Sex is a passion of mine. I like doing it, talking about it, and revealing our personal truths that fly in the face of Puritan ideologies. I especially think that how we teach our children about sex is very influential to their growth and development and their capacity to experience guilt free pleasure in their bodies. I think we should answer the questions of young people as honestly as we can in a way appropriate for their age. If they can ask, it is time to talk about it. If you are the mom of a teenage girl, I think you should give her a vibrator. This way, girls learn that they can have sexually fulfilling experiences without a man and then do not feel that they have to have sex in order to experience orgasm. If a young person is sexually experimenting and fulfilling themselves as a sexual being they may be more patient when it comes to choosing when to have intercourse with another. They don't associate the pleasure of orgasm with another person, they know they can have that solo.

I got my first vibrator when a boyfriend in college bought it for me. Until that point I had orgasms infrequently and could not recreate them when I wanted to. It was hit or miss. After I began using a vibrator, I had orgasm after orgasm and experienced more pleasure than I knew was possible. I began to love my body and myself for my bountiful capacity for pleasure. As the orgasmic chemicals were released in my body, I rested in a soup of mystery and exotic bliss. This is every person's birth right.

I know the world is sick when it comes to sex. As long as women are still experiencing genital mutilation and children are sheltered from the truth about sex but inundated with confusing messages from the media, we will continue to have a lop-sided culture, one in which Priests rape, sexual women are whores and children are scolded for being sensual. Bleh. The sexual revolution starts at home, with us. We can pleasure ourselves, share about it openly if we choose, ask for what we want from our partners and educate our own children about sex. We can dismiss the harmful dogmas and tell the truth. Start today- tell the truth about what you want and ask for it. Dance naked in your living room, hump a pillow- let the sensual, sexual, innocent one in you experiment anew. Go for it, I dare you.

From Fuck You to Autumn Hue

2010-10-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful fall day today, the bright yellow and deep crimson of the leaves are so stunningly stimulating that I find myself feeling attached to leaves. I had the thought today that I did not want them to fall. What a silly thing, to resist what is so, to want to freeze nature. My deeper wisdom knows that without the letting go of the leaves, I could never see them again at yellow. This made me think of all the things I have let go of in my life. The big, monumental ones that feel heart-achingly challenging and can only be compared to ripping out an ancient tree from the ground, to the small ways I let go of things through the ins and outs of my days. Today I feel so joyful, so abundantly happy and not for any particular reason at all. I suppose if I dug around I could give you a few: I am dancing again. Regularly. This is like food for my soul. I am writing again and craving more. This tickles me. I love my work- I spend my days with young people and we share in love and laughter. I am blessed beyond measure and I am so glad for this life. However, I have walked a bit of a thorny path through the last year. And today, as I danced to the soulful music, I knew that I had crossed a bridge, that I had entered a new phase, that the strife and heartache of recent days was gone. A lightness of being has returned, a passion for the present, and I realized I had truly let go.

When my relationship first ended and people told me to let go, my initial reaction was “Fuck you!” Of course I never said that, but that was the thought. After awhile when people said, “Oh, you have to let go, move on.” My reaction was more of a grumbly, “Fuck off,” with a period instead of an exclamation point. As of late, letting go was my mantra, something I knew I was working hard to do. Now, as I danced tonight, as my arms flew through the air like power pulsing through liquid, I knew I had crossed over to the other side. The soulful, sad songs no longer tugged at my heart, they simply made me smile for the distance I had come. My heart, buoyant again, after so many months of thunder and dark skies. I sat in the cool grass afterwards, looked at the gorgeous trees, squished the crumpling leaves between my fingers and felt oh so proud of me. Oh so grateful that the letting go does come, when we have truly grieved and gone through our process. Like the leaves that turn beautiful shades of splendor until finally letting go, we too, shift and morph until we drop from that thing that we clung to and we turn forward, towards the new dawn, ever more beautiful than we were before, ever more wise and humble, and ever more appreciative of any new delights that cross our paths. I am so grateful to the friends and lovers I have known. I am so grateful that I once was such a big fuck you and am now so soft and gentle, so tender, yet so strong. As one of my favorite poems ends, “With every good-bye, we learn.”

My Way is Decided

2010-10-06T20:56:00.001-07:00

My way has been decided. Everything I need I will be shown.

A Letter from My Higher Self

2010-10-06T19:06:00.001-07:00

I know you are sorry. I know you have repented for so many years. You have done nothing wrong my love. You are a spirit in this body learning the very lessons you are meant to learn. Gentle with yourself. Ease up on yourself. You have been operating at the level of consciousness that you have. You could not do differently. Amusement and ease and grace are yours. Continue to sit. Continue to train your thoughts. Continue to know that you are the creator of your dream. Imagine it. Collage it. See it. Feel it. Know it is yours. Celebrate this life. Rejoice. It will unfold in wondrous ways beyond your current knowing. You will be so delighted with your results. Rest easy love. All is coming to you...let go, nothing that was ever real can leave.

Life Lessons

2010-10-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

My current practice is to remember to put myself first. I have spent many years in relationships putting the needs of others first. I actually have to stop sometimes and remind myself to nurture me. What do I want? What would feel good right now to give to myself? A walk? A yummy meal? A bike ride? When I don't stop and actively try to take care of myself I can forget. I have to work at it. I spend all day with kids. I am constantly thinking about others. Growing up this is what I was taught was the "right" thing to do. Now I am doing a lot of unlearning. I am realizing, like so many of us, that I must fill my well first. I have nothing to give to another really, if I am not taking care of me. So, at the not so ripe, but fairly mature age of 32, I am re-parenting myself. I am learning to take care of me and stop seeking to get that relief from others. I am learning that though it can seem scary or lonely at times, the most rewarding thing I can do is slow down and start to talk to myself. Hmmm...maybe I'll hot tub. Then I will have some tea. Next I will write and read...before I know it, I am loving myself and feeling better and realizing that what I thought I wanted and needed is not the best for me right now. It is okay to take some time out. It is okay to sit in solitude and quiet. In fact, it is what I really need right now. This time of my life has been the most beautiful and heart wrenchingly painful time. I have yearned and cried and deeply mourned the loss of so much that I thought I wanted. I have grown, and it has left stretch marks. And they are beautiful.

Wavering

2010-10-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

I know his face so well

Every curve, every line

As if it were mine

When he smiles, it’s for me

Every kiss, a deepening sea

And in his arms

My heart is found

Anchored to his hearty chest

Animal to animal

Breast to breast

That face

I know it as if it were mine

Every wrinkle

Every line

Takes me back

To a time

When it was baby that and baby this

Hi honey, I love you

Give me a kiss

Those days of anchoring to one another
traveling in distant deserts and watching the sun rise with our family
together
have long since swept past

like the dried up lake bed
where we made our true love vow
which since turned out to be
a little more like, "I'll love you for now..."

I cling to some memory
to some traces of fun times
sweet connections
long since dried up
as he's ventured in new directions

with every pop
of every pill
with every swig
and cheap new thrill

I leave a little more
less likely to reveal

the deep contours
of my achilles heel

more like a shadow
a cross to bear

less like a lover
with a life to share

more like a place
to rest for the night

nothing like loving
making it through the plight

I shrink in the painted picture I've become
the shattered tale
unimportant to some

The persevering is causing all of the challenge
It is time to lock the door
lose the key

shine the light
on finding me

Dampness

2010-10-05T19:15:00.001-07:00

I’ve opened all the windows, the enveloping scent of rain making its way into my home; humidity rising, freshness singing. From days of shut doors, to clouds of moisture, bringing relief and pleasure, I walk through my home, it smells like clean laundry, or days running in the grass as a child. In my mind’s eye, I can see the sand pit, the field of green behind my house, my favorite tree to climb, and the neighborhood boys chasing me in a game of tag. I can see my bike, with the banana seat, and the huge scrape on my knee that stung for weeks.

Thoughts

2010-10-05T18:19:00.001-07:00

We are what we think.

All that we are arises with our thoughts.

With our thoughts we make the world.

Speak or act with an impure mind

And trouble will follow you.

As the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.

We are what we think.

All that we are arises with our thoughts.

With our thoughts we make the world.

Speak or act with a pure mind.

And happiness will follow you.

As your shadow, unshakeable.

How can a troubled mind understand the Way?

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded.

But once mastered,

No one can help you as much,

Not even your father or your mother.

Buddha (from the Dhammapada, translated by Thomas Byron)

Ways to Love You

2010-10-05T17:54:00.001-07:00

http://22ways2loveyou.com/bp8/

With my tongue

Under the blankets

With our young

Bodies

Entwined

Our hearts all a shine

Ecstasy sublime

Softly

Wildly, ravaging

With my lips

My hips…

Tiny sips

Being with you

When we’re watching a burning, raging fire

And I want you to be the first to hear my new name

Under the Milky Way stars

Like drips of dew

I drink you

Up and up

Savor your flavor

I want to consume you

You’re like perfume, you

Intoxicate me

You sink into my pores

Open all my closed doors

My eyes rest easy on you

One way I love you

Is by leaving you

When the time is right

And we need to take flight

The way thunder leaves lightning

Hard and fast

And sometimes slow…

With a bright light

Or a pounding blow

In the turning tides of my life

I love you like tiny ripples

Caress the bareness of my breasts

In silent evenings

Love is the slow motion of the rocking chair

As I imagine us sitting there

After a life long love affair

The slow slurping of tea

The tingle as hot meets tongue

And two old loves

Reminisce ‘bout being young

In cold nights

I love you with my hand on your heart

As we prepare to depart…

In pockets of deep breaths

And early morning dew

I inhale you

As I leave you

At last!

Alone, in my bed

Dreaming of vast new frontiers

I love you with dread

As I imagine in my head

The next lady in your bed

The new promises you’ll make

The separate roads we’ll now take

In empty nights

One way I love you

Is through silent prayers

Imagining you

Somewhere

Out there

Cradled in white light

Always shining so bright!

I love you fiercely

As the tragedy of it all

Comes on like the waterfall

Where we kissed under the rushing river

Holding onto a tiny sliver

Of hope

That maybe one day

In some way

We could work this all out

But now there’s no doubt

Our timeline‘s run out

Filling my heart with such bitter sweet sadness

Knowing all beautiful beginnings

Are followed by futile endings

As the days grow longer and my new self emerges

I realize all the ways I want to love you

The thrusts and the surges

And I never will

We’ve had our fill

And my grip

It loosens

My hands

Limp

And one day

That bitter pang

Will smolder, grow older

And I will be thinking of new ways to love a new love

And I will think of you through passing winds

How it all ends

And remember how well we loved!

She Devil Wrecking Ball

2010-10-05T17:34:00.001-07:00

Oh man. I keep reading all these posts and articles and reports about how times are trying now and boy oh boy do I agree. I hope it is not just me. I am being tested in more ways than I ever imagined and as I stretch and expand and meet the new expectations before me I begin to realize I am changing. I am. I wake up differently now. I am aware. I realize I have all the power in my mind. I can control what I choose to think and I am capable of creating anything I want for myself and my life. So why do I keep creating suffering and drama? Why am I still riding this roller coaster? I keep journaling each day, sitting on my mediation cushion, saying mantras, writing down my intentions, going to dance, yoga, eating well and then...just like that, I am like a car being jerked off the road and I am heading straight for that same old game. It is like I wake up in the middle of it and think: What the hell was I thinking? What am I doing here, again!? There is new awareness emerging in me- more joy and bliss than I have ever known and an ever increasing capacity for gratitude and appreciation of life. I am clear I am a spirit. I know I have an immense capacity for manifestation and healing. So what is up with this devil on my shoulder who keeps hijacking the show? Just when I think I have really turned myself around...I am driving into a ditch. Fast. Swearing. Acting like an ass. Sweet. Take 3, 452...

Love Goddess Gets Mud in Her Yoohoo

2005-08-02T23:40:00.000-07:00

I return from five days hiking in the wilderness. I rolled around naked in mud and bathed in dirt to get clean. I danced nude under the fiery sun and healed my spirit. I communed with nature and other humans and sunk in to the real me. I created art, dance and beauty and let the firm, soft, moist, hard, rolling, winding, warm, freezing earth heal my heart and bond me to others. I climbed to the top of a mountain and jumped in to the piercing cold lake and laid, like a lizard, on a rock in the warmth of the sun. I took off my boots and walked in marshy meadows and discovered orchids and gentle flowers. I let my feet be enveloped by mystery and moist grasses and traced the magical lines of trees and washed my self clean in the babbling brooks. I opened to the sun, the mountain, the dance, and others. I laid my soft, burnt cheek in the nook of another and felt the warmth and sacredness. I received love and laughter and learned my true name.

Winds of Change

2005-07-27T11:47:00.000-07:00

Winds have flown through and brought with them change. I hear no cry in the night. I am at peace within myself and solid and standing. I turn out the light, at night, and know all is well. I look for your face, or say your name, and then remember to move on. I am healing, and whole. I am restored, and dancing my completion. It is I who I love most. It is I who I know best. It is I who am constantly here for me and I who know all my secrets. I am alone no more and never shall be. So far, we've come. So far, that I hardly remember...

Deep Roots in Ohio

2005-06-22T19:49:00.000-07:00

My sister got married on the 18th of June. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and tears were streaming down my cheeks as I walked down the isle. My brother walked her down and so much love and emotion was present between us. Seeing my sister's dream be fulfilled and being with my brother and sister together, witnessed by all our friends and family was beautiful. I was reminded of the love and family that I have in my life and the deep roots in Ohio. My sister laughed out loud and smiled as she walked down the isle. She was clearly ready and delighted to be getting married. I danced and danced and we all parited it up all weekend, dancing and celebrating our life and family.

Wisdom

2005-06-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

I was course leader support today for Anne, Denver's Wisdom Course leader. What a privilege. I am a pioneer, on the edge of language, the edge of what is known, marching forward with my army, as we manifest together a future of possibility. Thanks to all the angels who join me in flight and rise above the known in the name of transformation. We are carving a path, creating new language for a world that works for everyone, with no one and nothing left behind. Here's to the tomorrow we are creating today and the dreams we've yet to dream.

Meandering

2005-06-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

Swimming in seas of wonder and bliss...not knowing where I will find myself tomorrow. Longing for the sweet return of love and the tantalizing touch of a wonder boy, way too young for my blood. Knowing your backseat and your sweet lips was nice. I like how you said I was pretty like the moon. You are everything I could want in a man and nothing I need. You are a young jet, a hot one, stirring my juices as I watch you cross the street in the hot sun. Your sweat sweet and your style so captivating. Your gestures so kind and misleading. I want to be fulfilled in all the sweet ways I long for and be delighted by what shows up.

I saw you again too- after such soothing space and time. You make me nervous and uptight. My back tenses and I lose groundedness. I begin to be emotional and can cry at the drop of a hat. I want your attention. I love that you miss me and get emotional, I wish it was enough to want to be with me. We can't though, it is hard. It hurts. I love you more than I ever have. I love you more clearly and deeply for I know what gifts you gave. I am thankful for your virtues and the effort you made. May we soar on the clouds of time like tiny rain drops that never have to fall. May we just live our own, private, separate life, as water- and be together for all time. Then I will be free, here, in this world, to heal and move on- as long as I know we are together, somewhere in time.

Lovin' Life

2005-05-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh....the beauty of life. I love my life. I love life. Thank goodness for beautiful Boulder, Colorado, and life!!!! No reason, no rhyme, I am moved by the growth of the grass, the smell of the flowers, and the warmth of the sun. I love everything that IS LIFE.

Birthday Blessings -100 years and counting!

2005-05-14T00:24:00.000-07:00

To my dear great aunt, Jessie- Happy Birthday! You were born on May 14th in 1905! Today you turn one hundred years old!! You have lived a long and beautiful life. Empowered by your faith and church, Christian Science, you have healed hundreds of people in your life time, of many diseases. You have given life to those around you and dedicated yourself to healing and the power of the mind. In 100 years, you have not seen a doctor, healing yourself always.

Where ever you go from here, may you know love and peace and the difference you have made in your long life. God bless you and wow- Happy 100th Birthday!!!!!!!!!!

To my dearest uncle Doug, who turns 46 today, Happy Birthday! You have worked long and hard in your life to be the noble man you are, may this year bring the love and fulfillment you desire. All my best to you! Here's to the true love of your life, and happily ever after. "Angie, Angie, you can't say we didn't try..."

My birthday comes on the last day of this, my favorite month! May 31st has always proven to be special and delightful- full of surprises and acknowledgment for me! A time when those I love have gathered near. Here's to my dreams coming true and me knowing love and happiness all the days of my life- in this- the start of my 28th rotation around the sun!!

Happy Birthday to everyone out there, whether it is near or far, may you know you are special and loved and may you celebrate all the days of your life!

Stream

2005-05-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'll flow with you
I'll let go, just let me know you'll be there, always, always with me, always loving me
My fear is that I will rise up and show my true form and you will not love me anymore
You will see I am fire and fear and smoke and rainbows
You will see my light and know my dark and all will be revealed
And then you will not want me anymore
I will be uncomfortable
and you will turn away
So I will
So I will
and will you?
will you?
Just let me have the clarity to be true to you and me
Am I love or not?

I want the innocence and sweetness and assurance
I want what I want
is it true
valid?
Real?
I know I will experience the divine flush of gold
reminiscent
of my young days
those i have loved and left
My richness, my love, my honey, my depth, emotion, appreciation of life
Come be in my bounty and see my magic web
Know the sweet secrets I hide

Manifesto

2005-05-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

Elementary Teacher- Teach 25-30 students in my own classroom full-time. Create, learn, grow, together. Expand my awareness and capacities for nurturing, listening, being present, learning, planning, organizing, mult-tasking, teaching, reflecting, and loving!! Expand my heart center and heal my self as I be with beautiful young ones!!!

Yoga Practitioner and my own business- Organic Yoga

Psychic Horizons (Take Classes) - Develop my intuition, psychic ability, guidance and self confidence.

Dancer- Nia, Jazz, Dance Jams, Belly Dance

Music- Voice, Vocal Awareness, Piano

Travel-Spain (Flamenco, Fluency en Espanol, Back-pack through Europe), Peru-see Machu Picchu! Hawaii- get married on the beach, smell the flowers, swim with dolphins, Mayan Riviera- yoga and vegetarian resort, Costa Rica-return to the land I love.

My Five Strengths:

Winning Others Over
Empathy
Communication
Positivity
Futuristic

I am ready to generate and create my success in the world and experience affluence, abundance, and wild, fun, fulfillment beyond what I ever imagined possible!

School again?
Naropa- Somatic Psycholoy, M.F.A. Theater: Contemporary Performance, Transpersonal Counseling and Psychotherapy???
Acupuncture school?

Costa Rica- Yoga training and certification?

Ahhhh...the endless possibilities! What will I choose to manifest?

Be it known that...

2005-05-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have fulfilled the requirements established by law and am hereby granted a...

...Teacher License!!!!!!!!!!!

Yea!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!! Yahoo!!!!!!! Yippee!!!!!!

This license entitles the holder to perform services as a teacher in any Colorado public school or school district!!!!!!

Go me!

Geyser

2005-05-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

Like the spouting,
forceful,
burning hot geyser
I want to expel myself from the depths!
See it now! Raging before you- mysterious, powerful, beautiful!
Awesome and intriguing, yet dangerous and threatening
Like hot molten rock,
or slithering lava- red hot!
With a fire that burns-
ash that preserves,
and light that sparkles.
Hear the roar of the volcano and soak yourself in its springs
Lather up in the mud and renew your flesh
Under the night sky, in the thick humidity, feel yourself hydrated and warm,
expanding with heat and yearning for pleasure
Full up and on fire
release the coil from within
chanting and howling
drumming life's thunder with the weight of your legs,
catapult yourself in to the universe and be known and felt by all
Like the snake free from its skin
renew yourself
revive yourself
transform yourself
and rest in wonder
replenish yourself
taste the ripe and potent sting of fresh fruit,
feel it sooth your tongue and wet your lips
causing you to salivate
wade through the deep and crystal water-
overwhelming in its beaty and power,
let it heal you
cure you
remind you of home
to the beach...
the warm sand,
the rolling, waving winds-
see light and heat and desert rock,
ancient crust of earth, holding vast ocean.
Pretend not...
that you know or understand what you see-
humble yourself to the massive awe and wonder.
On your knees,
or at the height of song,
bow down!
And give God the glory.

Slight

2005-05-06T18:16:00.000-07:00

1. To treat as slight or unimportant : make light of.
2. To treat with disdain or indifference.
3. To perform or attend to carelessly or inadequately.
4. A humiliating discourtesy.

syn see NEGLECT

Reveling and Reckoning

2005-05-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

I honor that I did my best. I am happy with my offering. There is nothing I could have or should have done differently. I am not responsible for your experience, I do not have to know or understand your experience- yours is yours, mine is mine. I put a lot in, I felt very deeply. I know now how deeply I felt for you. I mourn the loss of the potential, the dissolution of the dream, the breaking apart of the illusion.

Surrender

2005-05-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

Your face so sweet, glowing with a child like innocence. I can see the way you light up when another listens to you, or acknowledges your greatness. Funny how even now I want to slip in to the space beside you and hold you in my arm. Seems natural that I should be the one by your side, and to put my lips to your soft neck and nuzzle up to you. You don't want it, though. Makes you uncomfortable. I know we are no longer a couple. I guess now we should do what broken up couples do. Something like, be great and just be friends, or never talk again, or talk on occasion. I want to nuzzle up against you and smell your skin. I want to hold you and look in to your eyes and laugh and have fun and share all that we feel and all we have been up to. I want you to turn to me and say, "I've missed this, I've missed you, can I come over?" And then, I don't care what we do, as long as we are together. I want your love and devotion. Commitment to making me happy.

I just have to sigh, and breathe, and trust that all is well. I have to call to the heavens and ask for support and guidance and to heal my heart.

One day, I will no longer pine for you. Does it not feel nice to know that somewhere out there in the world someone feels for you?

I could have loved you as long as it takes a thousand waves to reach the same shore. I could have stood for our love as long as you asked me to. As long as you would have, I would have. But here we are, and things are great- you are beautiful, our friends are lovely, and I am happy. I hear you speak, and I want to help, to offer a hand, to listen, to jump to do what would make you happy. I have to stop myself, notice the pattern, and realize you don't require that, I don't need to do that. It is amazing how you get along fine without me.

Then the cute boy shows up, and asks me out. AAAAHHHHHH! Don't, my heart hurts, you are not him, this is not right, I am not ready.

To the only man I've ever wanted to marry. To the only man I thought I'd live happily ever after with. To the only man to give rise to the secret places in my heart. I love you. May God bless us both on our journey and may we both live long and prosper.

Counting Spiders

2005-05-05T00:24:00.000-07:00

Under the open window, with the moon light shining in on me, I loved you. In between the cool sheets, waiting for your warm feet to touch mine, then curling up along the curves of your naked body, I'd smell you and touch your soft skin, and know your love. To wake in the morning and see your face, sweet and loving, full of sunshine. To be invited is what I love. To be wanted and loved.

To know that you were in my life. You were here. Bottom line, he's in my life, he's here. You were trying. You were efforting for me, my love, what was possible between us. You stood like the gallant knight, and fought for me. You reflected what was good and pure and lovable.

Your beautiful space, your mountain home, your warm embrace. These things I will not know again.

One efforts until they don't. Disengage. Quit trying.

There is no fault. You did nothing wrong. There is no other way it should be or could of happened-
I am learning of love. I am discovering the feelings I have. This is my lesson, my cause.

We explored, twas not the right time, nor are you the one. It is okay, lessons have been learned. I shall love again- more fully and sweetly now, thanks to you.

Let me feel my feelings, though, let me give rise to that which aches in my heart- in the name of breaking old patters, in the name of healing.

I Don't Want You Back

2005-05-05T00:10:00.000-07:00

I don't want you back. What would I do with you? Would you come openly and lovingly to my bed and kiss me sweetly? Would you hold me and run your fingers through my hair and tell me how much you have missed me and dreamt of this? No. Why would I want the closeness of one who could only be far? Why would I invite the grand canyon to hold me, when I know I could have warm devoted love?

The warm moments I treasured are memories now, they only exist in the files in my mind. It is a loss. What once was is no more.

To want you back would be to long for the past. To wish to hold the raging river, or to ride only one wave. Moments, like water, ebb and flow and turn in to the whole. There is no moment that was ours alone, no moment of love that I could bottle up and save for all time. There is only now, and now you are not here, so why would I want what is not?

Four Dead in Ohio

2005-05-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

Thrity five years ago today, my mom and dad were chanting, "We don't want your fucking war!" on their college campus, Kent State University. The national guard came and open fired, killing four people. My mom and dad split up, no one was allowed to use the phones, and she and a friend hitch hiked outta there.

She said tonight, "Maybe that is why I have been down today." "I can't believe it was thirty five years ago, it was a loss of innocence for me, I hope you don't ever have to go through anything like that."

And here we are, 2005, and there is still a war. A different war, different part of the world, different reasons, different people fighting, different people dying. Still there are those chanting, "We don't want war!" And still, we are at war.

I guess it is only a reflection of the state of affairs today. War is present among humanity. Whether it be the tiny wars I have all day with myself, or the arguments we have with each other, or the man who shoots another because he is a suspected terrorist, war is present. The outside reflects the inside, they are, ultimately, one and the same. Maybe I could look from being 100% responsible for that war over there. Everytime I say a harmful thing to myself, or to another, or think an unloving thought, it contributes to war. Mostly, I blame the American government, calling them ignorant, yet that too, is a form of war.

There are only two tracks in life. The track of love or the track of fear. Either I am contributing to one, or the other.

I declare, today, here and now, that I am responsible for war. If there is war going on around me, I am cause in the matter. Not like the truth, but like a place to stand. : )

I declare peace. Peace is here now, I am a stand for peace. I put down my weapons, give up my hurtful words and judgements, and declare that I am the possibility of being peace.

Next time I want to judge myself, I will stop, and think twice, about that man over there, with a gun pointing his direction, and say a prayer for peace. I am the one. It starts with me. One moment at a time.

Uninspired

2005-05-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

Only really want to share myself with people if I am glowing and on top of the world! I figure it does no good to share my complaints or moods that are not inspiring! But now, it seems that just saying what's so is as fine a place to start as any.

I am experiencing the roll of the tides, clear and present one moment, lost and depressed another. I love my life and am so thankful for my many blessings. I am at the effect of the parasite, or my ego, or what ever you want to call it. Flowing with my emotions, whimsical, allowing myself to be pulled to and fro.

I have been hiding out a bit lately. Seeing how I have all these great ideas and dreams and fantasies of how my life could be, and then I sleep a little longer, watch a little bit of T.V., write a little less, dance a little less, and wonder why I just can't get happy?!

Uggghhhhh. I generally seem to be committed to being comfortable and alone. I seem to prefer it that way. I love when I am among friends and loved ones, or when I am dancing my heart out and feel so alive, however, I mostly don't do anything to cause that.

All those dreams I've had. "I'm going to Spain to study Flamenco." "I am going to be a world-class leader and have my own seminars." "I am going to learn piano and sing." "I am going to be a Landmark Forum Leader." "I am going to hike today." "I will get up early tomorrow." "I am going to get fit!." "I am in love, I have found the one." "My life is going to be about service and community." "I'll go on a vacation course." "I am going to Hawaii in the spring." Blah, Blah, Blah. Can you believe a word that is coming out of my mouth??????

Have I NOOOOOOOOO Integrity????

My word is optional. I may keep my word. I may not. What can you count on???? You can count on me to keep my word when I want to, and not when I don't. You can count on me to honor my feelings. You can count on me to not want to be accountable for much of anything.

What can you count on? You can count on me to continue to look, to grow, to accept coaching and feedback and to get involved in some things that will contribute to my well being and growth and development. You just can't count on me to do what I said I would do by when I said I would do it.

I have done the whole curriculum for living at Landmark Education. I have done the Communication Courses, The Introduction Leaders Program, and have been an Introduction Leader for two years. I have completed the Wisdom Unlimited Course, and am now in Therapy, getting acupuncture treatments weekly, dancing more often than before, leading at two seminars, substitute teaching for Boulder Valley School District, working part-time at REI, and applying to be a full time teacher, and have completed a Masters Degree in Elementary Education. What do I want????

What will fulfill me?? I am chasing dreams, and it is never enough! Once it was a dream of mine to be an Introduction Leader. Got that. It was a dream to be a teacher. Got that. It was a dream to have a Masters- got that. Now it seems what I really want is to travel, be fluent in Spanish, study dance, become a successful woman, be a performer and be well known, get lots of attention, and make lots of money doing stuff I love, and then I will be happy. I am a mouse chasing cheese.

It really does seem real that life will be better when I am dancing and performing full time. Or when I am in love and know the man of my dreams. It is not true, is it?

All I long for will not be fulfilled outside of myself. It is available to me now, and only requires going fully and deeply in to the present moment. How come I don't want to??????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ughhh! Winey. Winey I am.

I wrote a book in second grade titled, "The Boy Who Always Wanted More Things." It appears I knew it then, and nothing has changed.

But don't get me wrong. I love my life.

Costa Rica

2005-05-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

Y yo baile en la playa y me canto canciones de amor y felicidad. El sol dice << Adios >> y mi corazon dice,<< gracias! >> y Pienso en el, mientras el agua besa mis piernas, y mi alma llena << Por Favor!>> Me despierta, me despierta, mi amor, estoy esperando, gracias para esta momento, duerme conmigo y di me otra vez que nos vemos otra vez.

Beltane

2005-05-01T22:39:00.000-07:00

Ah yes! In the name of Spring I rejoice! Thank you for the shelter and humble cave of winter, that has brought deep reverence and reflection, I am now ready to be born again! To sprout like the seed and reach towards the sun, to see bloom what I have only dreamed of.

To all of the living world! To creation, being alive, fertility and sustenance! I give thanks and rejoice!!!

Knowing my Knowing

2005-05-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

That I know what I know. What is it to trust that and live by that? To know when I know. That it doesn't have to be true for you, or anyone else, but that I know what I know and am safe to express my truth. MY RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT I KNOW AND SEE WHAT I SEE. I am tired of adjusting myself to make others comfortable. Of pretending I don't know, or hiding what I see. I AM EMPATHIC, INTUITIVE, PSYCHIC!! I DREAM IT, SEE IT, AND WATCH IT COME TO PASS!! DISCERNMENT!!!! I SMELL YOU, FEEL YOU, KNOW IMMEDIATELY IF I WANT TO BE IN YOUR PRESENCE OR NOT. Why do I pretend? Why doubt myself and sacrifice self to make others feel comfortable??? I play along, assuming others know better than I! No more! I am powerful and divine and ready to be the warrior, Goddess, teacher that I am!

If it is for me, it is. It is valid. Honoring my Self, trusting Self. Ultimately, I am there for myself. One must be there for Self before they can be there for another. I am residing in knowing what I know. Saying what I know, and risking being wrong. What is it to check in with my self and question, "What do I need right now?" "What would nurture me?" It is beautiful and peaceful to look within and question and open the doorway to the psyche and make way for the inner guidance, knowing, to come through. This is the door to knowing. To being guided in every moment. To trusting and feeling the support and power around me.

God, sexuality, and being a kid

2005-04-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

My grandma told me that when the sun shined like streamers through the clouds, God was talking. As a child I took this very literally, and wondered to whom and what was he saying? She also said that thunder storms were when God was bowling.
Growing up I loved tad poles, and milk thistle and riding my bike. I liked to build forts, roller skate around the basement, and twirl from the pole. Sometimes, I'd fill up a bucket of water and get paint brushes and go outside and paint the house. Other kids joined me. There was an old junker car in the neighbors driveway, and I loved to get in it and pretend to drive. You could actually shift the gears! I'd ride for hours around the circular block, and stop to pop open the milk thistle and have it pour its sticky glue all over me. I'd catch tad poles in jugs and keep them outside, waiting for the day they would turn into frogs. It never happened. I also liked to stuff tissue paper in my shirt and pretend I had big boobs. My grandma would laugh at me, and once, my mom took a picture. I remember staying up late one night waiting for the easter bunny. I thought he might come in a hot air balloon. I also remember being excited about the toothfairy, and imagining she had thick, blonde hair, and was very short and pretty, with wings and a blue wand. Very often, the neighbor kids and I, would play kick ball in the center of our houses. I lived in a neighborhood of duplexes, located at the end of a street that backed up to a forest on one side and a huge field on the other. Our homes formed a square, with a kick-ball field in the center. When it wasn't kick-ball, or fort building, or tad pole hunting, it was tag- and the green machine was base. I remember playing one day, and being bitten by the neighbor boy, who we called Kooters. I went home crying to my mom, who asked what I did to provoke it, and it was then and there that I made up something about being betrayed by my mom, and that she did not trust me, and playing innocent did not work. I got all that with the capacity of a five year old, which was my age at the time. She put stuff on it that made it sting, and I hated it. It was about six and seven that I started playing different games with kooters, like, "show me yours, I'll show you mine." I did, and then I went home and confessed to my mom. She asked if he had touched it, and I said "no" and that was about the end of that. (As I remember.)
One day I went to church with my neighbors. It was a sunny day, clear, blue skies, and we rode to and fro in a VW bus. I made a plaster of my right hand with plue paint and then ran up the hill to swing in the shade. I remember being filled with laughter and joy. I must of been five or six. Another time my grandma took my sister and brother and me to a southern baptist church. Everyone was wailing and hollerin' and wavin their hands in the air, praisin' God. People were crying and shouting, "Hallelujah, praise God, thank you, Jesus!" At first my siblings and I laughed awkwardly and somewhat subtly, while we made fun of these people. Finally, I figured I might as well join in. I raised my hand in the air, and started praising the lord. I think I felt brave and risky and better than my siblings because I was courageous. My grandma was so pleased.

Stacking Chairs

2005-04-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

And you were present. At first it was just stacking chairs, and then I invited you in. I said, "This shall be done in the name of God." And there you were. Whatever my work, big or small, may it be in the name of God. Therefore, it all serves my purpose. There is no task too small, when it is done in your name. I have found the way to be of service to you in every moment. I need not know why or how or what- I can trust that I shall do it in your name, and listen only for your voice, and it shall be done. Then I know that each moment I am forwarding the Divine. I am true to my purpose and nothing is forsaken.
And so I know my way, and it is you and of you and through you. That I am the one, no different than any other. That it is my purpose, a grand a divine one, and it is mine. Since I know your name and hear your voice, I am the one. Be not afraid to face the challenge, be not afraid to speak your truth. You are source and you are love. Shine through and through and surrender yourself up, be a vessel only for light and truth and it shall be done.

And so it was...and this is now.

2005-04-26T23:42:00.000-07:00

I awoke from a dream last night, and spoke to God while in bed. He laughed at me for forgetting Him and lovingly accepted my request to come close and fill my heart. I told the truth, for the first time in awhile, to myself. I had been enjoying the suffering and pain and using it to create. It served my drama and pain body and made for a really good story. When I woke, however, I knew that things were not as they had seemed, and peace was present. For sure I am well and fine and where I should be. For sure, all events had unrolled in perfect order, just like I had dreamed they would. For sure my heart knows and manifests its desire, even while my mind sits idly by and dreams. The heart is stronger and creates more, the heart knows what the mind can only dream of...and spawns the pot of gold. In my heart sits shiny jewels and treasures, way beyond your imagination, and I joyously bestow them at your feet. But, you don't notice me. You are sleeping and I have fooled you. When you wake, I will laugh at you, but then I will serve you a feast and fill you full of the bounty of my treasure. I beckon thee...you will wake. Sorry for falling asleep on you, and wreaking havoc on your path. I shall clean up, and restore myself to Spirit and the truth of who I am. Then we shall both be free, and love is ours, endlessly.

The Death of the Canyon

2005-04-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

As rain beats down, I am transported to another time and place, where the canyon walls rose high around me and the night sky, like a blanket, covered the two of us. The journeys up, and the journeys down, always held something of importance to me. The conversations we had as we followed the creek, mimicked its way- ever flowing, disappearing, surging with awareness, deeply carving out a path to follow, yet undistinguishable from one moment to the next-each drop, contributing to the whole, each moment cast out like a web, connecting all of it. If ever there was a moment that was the first of the last between us, I knew it not. If there was a distinguishable drop, that marked the beginning of the end, it surged by me with such motivated force, that I knew not of its presence at all. Until, finally, the cup had runneth over, and with one drop, did separate from itself, and leave no way to restore the whole. So, here it is, a separate drop, once a flowing river, evaporating into air. It must be the way of life, that change doth come, shape shall shift, and separateness and togetherness shall come to pass. Death is release, an emptiness in which the light of God can shine in and fill space with peace.

Grief and Healing

2005-04-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

Be it known that I am in the grieving process. It is one of fluctuation. I thank God that I have circles of women to sit in, and have my heart be known and honored. Blessed is the depth of my feeling and my love for people and life. Seems a curse in the dire moments, yet it is how I know I love deeply and am alive. May I find balance and peace and feel my feelings, honor where I have been and the gifts and lessons I have received, and be grounded and steady, ready to move forward at an appropriate pace. Can I accept this moment fully, and the circumstances of my life, as if I had chosen them?

A Poem:

and
through
all the tears
and the
sadness
and the
pain
comes the
one thought
that can
make
me internally
smile again:

I
have
loved.

My New Blog

2005-04-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Helen, for your inspiration and showing me this tool! What a great way to express myself, be creative, and share my dreams with the world!

A Poem

2005-04-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

The dew drenched Goddess grips her chest, aching for redemption. The dark forest her home, the silver white snow her saving grace. For the moment, all seems well, though doom is looming...How desperately she seeks love and to know the riches of her own heart. Will heaven hear her cries, will angels have compassion for her anguish, or is she an empty vessel, passing like the wind?