Yoga: To Yoke

I am eight weeks into my Core Power Yoga Teacher Training. Eight weeks. I never realized how much one can learn, grow, change their body, mind and spirit, and their entire outlook on life in eight weeks. When I started I knew I was accomplishing a dream that had been showing up on my collages for the past ten years. I knew it was good. I could never have known how good. Like jumping off the edge of a cliff into an abyss, one can never know what is down there until we leap and begin our descent, or in this case, ascent. I look at my collages now and it is eerie. The yoga, the scenes, the friends, I am clear I have created my life straight out of my visions, dreams, wishes, writings and lived those creative art pieces into existence. Now when I collage, it is not just that I am envisioning a future, I am actually revealing to myself what dreams are under the surface that I am already manifesting, conscious and not.

I did not expect to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I stand here now a much wiser woman, clearer about the road I am traveling and paradoxically ever more baffled at the magnificent wonder of it all. I don't know where I am going, but each new place I show up seems to me to be divinely orchestrated and my faith in that is growing all the time. I have been profoundly touched by partner yoga, Yogassage, Sanskrit, Kirtan, rich Hindu Mythology, Cadaver lab, and the hero's journey that we all take at some point, in varying ways and degrees, as we make our way home to ourselves. I did not expect to fall so in love with the people in my class. I did not expect to gain so much inner strength and will to try new things, as simple as a tri-pod headstand, or hand-stand, but in these endeavors, I have unlocked a piece of my heart that I shut down long ago out of fear and a story called, "I can't do it." And now, I can only say that I am giddy like a child after every first attempt at something new and for the poses I have achieved for the first time, it's like a new me is re-born in that moment, a me with a shining third Chakra power center! Core Power is about so much more than abs. Those abs represent the energy of one who endeavors to stretch and expand-mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Plus, it is great fun being upside down and falling all over the place!

I never expected to uncover that touch is a passion of mine. I didn't know that could be a passion. I desire to cultivate connection and touch amongst we humans, spending our time together using our bodies to stretch, support, deepen, release, strengthen, energize, heal. I realize this path I am on reveals little pieces at a time until, before we know it, we have cultivated rich depth, appreciation and capability as we have walked the good red road. When I am old, my hair is gray, and there are lines upon my face...I know, in many ways, I will be the same awake, rhythmic, beating heart that I am today, with all of me that I was at one and two and three, and thirty-three plus the capacities of the me that is growing ever more deeply into each moment, which becomes this vast future of miracles and new possibilities for expansion and awareness and service. I don't know where I am going, but I know I trust, ever more deeply all the time, in the perfection of each step being laid down before me. I pray, dear God, wash away all the wounds, sores, scars and tensions of my heart and allow it to open like a beacon of light, shining to light the way for us all. May all our hearts be joined in the reality of All is One and may we play, tumble, and hand stand all the way home!

I am eight weeks into my Core Power Yoga Teacher Training. Eight weeks. I never realized how much one can learn, grow, change their body, mind and spirit, and their entire outlook on life in eight weeks. When I started I knew I was accomplishing a dream that had been showing up on my collages for the past ten years. I knew it was good. I could never have known how good. Like jumping off the edge of a cliff into an abyss, one can never know what is down there until we leap and begin our descent, or in this case, ascent. I look at my collages now and it is eerie. The yoga, the scenes, the friends, I am clear I have created my life straight out of my visions, dreams, wishes, writings and lived those creative art pieces into existence. Now when I collage, it is not just that I am envisioning a future, I am actually revealing to myself what dreams are under the surface that I am already manifesting, conscious and not.

I did not expect to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I stand here now a much wiser woman, clearer about the road I am traveling and paradoxically ever more baffled at the magnificent wonder of it all. I don't know where I am going, but each new place I show up seems to me to be divinely orchestrated and my faith in that is growing all the time. I have been profoundly touched by partner yoga, yogassage, Sanskrit, Kirtan, rich Hindu Mythology, and the hero's journey that we all take at some point, in varying ways and degrees, as we make our way home to ourselves. I did not expect to fall so in love with the people in my class. I did not expect to gain so much inner strength and will to try new things, as simple as a tri-pod headstand, or hand stand, but in these endeavors, I have unlocked a piece of my heart that I shut down long ago out of fear and a story called, "I can't dot it." And now, I can only say that I am giddy like a child after every first attempt at something new and for the poses I have achieved for the first time, it's like a new me is re-born in that moment, a me with a shining third Chakra power center! Core Power is about so much more than abs. Those abs represent the energy of one who endeavors to stretch and expand-mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Plus, it is great fun being upside down and falling all over the place!

I never expected to uncover that touch is a passion of mine. I didn't know that could be a passion. I desire to cultivate connection and touch amongst we humans, spending our time together using our bodies to stretch, support, deepen, release, strengthen, energize, heal. I realize this path I am on reveals little pieces at a time until, before we know it, we have cultivated rich depth, appreciation and capability as we have walked the good red road. When I am old, my hair is gray, and there are lines upon my face...I know, in many ways, I will be the same awake, rhythmic, beating heart that I am today, with all of me that I was at one and two and three, and thirty-three plus the capacities of the me that is growing ever more deeply into each moment, which becomes this vast future of miracles and new possibilities for expansion and awareness and service. I don't know where I am going, but I know I trust, ever more deeply all the time, in the perfection of each step being laid down before me. I pray, dear God, wash away all the wounds, sores, scars and tensions of my heart and allow it to open like a beacon of light, shining to light the way for us all. May all our hearts be joined in the reality of All is One and may we play, tumble, and hand stand all the way home!

Partner Yoga and Yogassage

I am eight weeks into my Core Power Yoga Teacher Training. Eight weeks. I never realized how much one can learn, grow, change their body and their entire outlook on life is eight weeks. When I started I knew I was accomplishing a dream that had been showing up on my collages for the past ten years. I knew it was good. I could never have known how good. Like jumping off the edge of a cliff into an abyss, one can never know what is down there until we reach it. I look at my collages now and it is eerie. The yoga, the scenes, the friends, I am clear I have created my life straight out of my visions, dreams, wishes, writings and lived those creative art pieces into existence. Now when I collage it is not just that I am visioning a future, I am actually revealing to myself what dreams are under the surface that I am already manifesting, conscious and not.

I did not expect to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I stand here now a much wiser woman, clearer abo

33 Things in 33 Years

1. Seeking approval and love outside yourself is a dead end. If you take care of you and are full up, people satellite around you.

2. Practice deep listening as a path of service. Deeply. For a long time. Notice when you want to interrupt or respond and then keep listening.


3. Spend time with children, or anyone or thing that brings out the child-like play in you.

4. Do yoga.

5. Sing.

6. Listen to music and move your body- dance!


7. Travel opens the mind and the heart.

8. When you really don't want to do something, sometimes, that is the time to stick it out and do it. Find your edge, and push past it. a lot.

9. Find the difference between your guidance warning you and your ego being afraid of a breakthrough. Walk that edge and make mistakes, because each time you'll learn.

10. Chug water first thing in the morning.

11. Moving hips, if you are a female, is very healing. Try it.

12. Food that is good for you feels physically uplifting during the act of eating it.

13. Read

14. People just want to be gotten.

15. Going for a walk can change your entire mood.

16. Spend one day where you go nowhere from time to time.

17. Pick a day to turn off your phone and be unavailable from time to time.

18. You are always enrolling someone into something. Is it possibility or a poor me story?

19. Let your wild passions come out sometimes, get crazy.

20. Swim naked in the sea.

21. Remember you don't know how you got here or what is going on.

22. Avocados taste delicious.

23. Spend time in nature for multiple days completely unplugged. It changes you.

24. When you are really defensive, practice stopping and asking yourself, "What am I defending?"

25. Be amused.

26. Start spontaneous laughing parties.

27. write your desires down on paper. This is a powerful manifesting tool.

28. Lighten up.

29. If you are not doing something because you don't have enough money that is a lie.

30. Whatever you don't like about someone is the universe mirroring to you a shadow part of yourself you have yet to heal. Thank them as a messenger, don't shoot the messenger. :)

31. Nothing that you see is caused by anything outside of you.

32. If you want love, give love. Whatever you are wanting, give it.

33. You are the Christ, the anointed one.

My Turn

We are coming upon
My turn
It is almost time
For my turn
Soon, there will be no interruption
Soon, that bubble will form
Golden, full of light
Surrounding me
In sacred space
And yes, it will be full of angels
And yes, fairies too
And they will be whispering in my ear:
This is your time
This is your space
To make your art
To make your start
To close the door
And take the floor
In the imaginative world
Of my own making
Of infitine blessings
And waves to behold
Of deep rooted stories
Waiting to be told
Many years
I have spent
Saying:
Yes, Ma'am
Or
Sure, Sir
Many years I have spent
Looking up at mom
Wondering
Are you proud?
Am I good enough?
Did I do it right?
That girl is grown
That new moon has shone
This snake has just about shed its skin
And soon
I will carve out
A sacred space
For me
To make
My art
And I will start
That book I know
That poetry flow
That reasonable hour
Of clock-ticking power
Where I will make the beauty of GOD!
Again and again
The way only I can
In this one life
With this one chance
To put my poem on the page
All of my guilt
The last of my rage
The inspiring sage
She is me
And I am she
Infinite goddess
As deep as the sea
Tell me!
Is it my turn, yet?

Weeds in the Heart

My beloveds look at me and say

How are you?

I smile, and know that they love

But how does one create the depth of a vast ocean

Inside the constraints of our words?

How can I paint you a picture of the caverns and caves inside?

I wish I could open up my chest when you ask how I am

And let you dive in and swim around for awhile

And then greet you at the end, on a nice beach, with a drink

And say, "So what did you see? How am I? What should I say when people ask?"


These days there are no words

For the renovation of my heart

An old love is moving out

Making space for the new

And I know

All change is helpful

But in this vacancy

There is raw, exposed flesh

So I protect it

It is my greatest jewel

And I wait for magic moments to pull back the covers

And reveal its light

The past:

Like a weed pulled from the ground

You know it must go

For the growth of something more bountiful

But it is this expunging of life

This tearing up and out

Which leaves a hole, in the ground

Or in this case, my heart

And the ripping of flesh

Is painful

And sometimes it feels lonely

Sad

I mean, come on folks, where are we? what the fuck is going on?? I am spinning in a vast universe and I don't get it...

And so I settle in and feel my body

I look upon this sadness and ask:

From where do you come?

Are you really mine?

And I realize there are old pictures

Energy from parents that is not mine

In my space

About what love is

Of how it should be

And I blow them

It is just energy

And here, now, I can ground into present time

Fill up on me

Know that all roads lead to Rome

Which really means

We are on our way home

I am not alone

This separateness is not true

Like a pilgrim

Weary from travel

I let go of my way

And know

Thy Will Be Done!


So if you ask me how I am

Know that when I say,"Good."

It really means that I am growing a new heart

That I am tender like a newborn

That I am making a fresh start

That weeds have been pulled from my garden

I feel like I am missing a limb

I am grappling with death

I am letting go of everything

I am trusting that all will come to me

I need do nothing

I belong to source

Do you get all that when I just say, "Good?"

I'm Likely to Lick You!

So you better watch out! :) Okay, not really, I am too well programmed from my past and still have all my guck about wanting to be liked and to fit in and I don't ever plan to go to jail. :)

Right now, I am looking at all these beings around me and all I see is walking Love. Love is up, awake and walking around! The beauty and mystery and power of you incredible beings astounds me. If ever I was sleeping, the Great Spirit has awoken me and sparked my heart to see the light that is in us. Maybe it is all that precious care I have been taking of myself. Maybe in learning to saturate myself in tenderness I have arisen from my sick bed to see you people anew- to see you with the eyes of a child. So often my desire is to pull you close, whisper in your ear that thing I think you might need to hear and then I would hold you close, tenderly nurturing that child in your heart who just wants to be reminded that you are safe and perfect and loved. After that, I might lick you. Simply to play and taste you, nectar of the Gods. You are the nectar of God. But actually, on second thought, I don't really want to go around licking everyone, but you get my drift, right?

So often I want to hug people. I may not know you well, but I feel the swell in my heart and want to share and express my love! And by the way, I know there are others out there just like me, so good job holding it together and acting subdued. And for those dark nights, or sunshiney days when you let it burst forth like lightning in a storm, good job! I invite us all to explode forth in our love just a little bit more. And if you lick me, I won't ever mind. :)

This one is for my late grandma, Jacqueline Bates Haynes Shewell. She loved everyone. I mean it, I know people say that but she would have held your hand if you were a stranger on the street who opened the door for her, and she would have looked you in the eye, and said with all of her heart, "Aw honey, I love you." She would have meant every word. I watched her, day after day, year after year, be a crusader for that all people deserved our love. God grandma, you did it so well. You are my hero and I hope I am making you proud. And Holy Spirit, what would you have me do? Where would you have me go? What would you have me say and who would you have me say it to? Oh, and grandma, I found God. Your one wish. I didn't find "him" like you thought- it is not via the Bible or a Southern Baptist Church. Turns out, it was in me all along, it is who I really am. I just forgot for awhile. :)

The Holy Spirit is Present, Even at the DMV.

I lost my license. The picture on my last one was taken when I was in my early twenties. It was a really good picture. People always tell me so. Today, I have gray hairs. Today, I am 13 pounds heavier. Today, I have wrinkles. I thought of all these things as I approached the DMV, seeing myself age before my own eyes, letting go of things of the past.

When I arrived it was surprisingly packed for a Friday morning, I mean, aren't you all supposed to be working? My number said 909 and the sign read 548. What?! I sat down for a few moments and then walked to the coffee shop and to my car to get my notebook so I could write, how else was I to "kill" all this time?

I noticed my ego was making this situation wrong. It shouldn't be this way, this is my day off. I stopped myself mid-thought. I prayed to the Holy Spirit, your will be done, and decided that if where I was right now was the DMV then that is exactly perfect and I am going to open up to seeing the presence of God.

I went back in and sat down in a new spot. I glanced at a thin, tall, blonde woman with blue eyes and a chiseled face. My immediate thought was that she did not seem very friendly. I shared aloud, "I thought I was number 909 but I just realized I read it upside down and I am number 606, my day just got better!" She looked at me and laughed and we began to talk. By the end of the hour and a half I learned that she was a nurse in a downtown Denver hospital. She worked 12 1/2 hour shifts with no lunch break. Sometimes her patients would all ring for her at once and one might be angry and yell at her by the time she arrived. She has a daughter who is in 2nd grade who studied hard for her spelling test and was nervous this morning. We both grew up in Ohio. She asked if I had seen the movie, "Waiting for Superman." I shared with her my perspective on teaching and education, we shared what we would do if we ran the world. My notebook for writing barely got touched. I spent the whole time getting to know her. Soon her mom came in and we three began to laugh and chat. We discussed the military, nursing, education, the financial system, retirement, lunch breaks and science trivia. Others began to come and sit near us. No one else spoke, but many looked at us, made eye contact, smiled. We were the only folks in the whole place talking.

It has always interested me how human beings behave in many public spaces. For example, at my local gym everyone just ignores everybody else and it is often eerily silent. I sometimes desire to just start talking. Wouldn't you rather connect with me than watch TV? For many folks, the answer is no. There is a culture, especially in Colorado, of easy going, I mind my business and you mind yours and we leave each other alone. I have often thought that we could revolutionize humanity's relating to one another if we just all started talking to each other wherever we are. These strange social norms developed over time, where we each have our roles to play, keep us separate and distant. I am the customer, you are the sales rep. I am the teacher, you are the parent. I want to connect with you and know you beyond our roles. I want laughter in the stiffest of silent places.

In a small pale room called the DMV, with florescent lights and white linoleum tile, full of people sitting in chairs with headphones on, or starting at the wall, or scrolling through their phones, we can miss the opportunity to connect with and honor the holy spirit that is in each one of us always. We never know who is sitting next to us. A hero, a great teacher, a fabulous mother. What is possible if we wake up to that we are all the same in our essence, we are all equal, none of us is greater? I mean beyond knowing this intellectually, I mean acting like there is no separation publicly. I mean like loving, hugging, smiling, touching the stranger on the airplane, the TSA agent, the grocery clerk. I want so badly for our personas to melt way so the essence of our magnificence can shine forth.

I also met Eric, whose picture is included here. He played ukelele outside while we waited and shared that he picked out his favorite shirt for his new picture on his license. He is studying biology and philosophy at CU and shared with me a unique project I can do with students about DNA.


In the end, though I walked out of there with a photo of an older version of me, the woman on the inside is wise and deep. Sure, in my early twenties my skin was tighter and thinner and I looked young and beautiful. However, that girl, would not have thought twice about talking to anyone at the DMV. That girl, didn't have the same caverns and wells of depth developed within to turn a simple trip to the local DMV into an adventure in opening to God. So, as I age, and my skin goes slack and my hair turns dull, I know all the beauty is soaking deeper in to my insides, igniting the lantern within. For in the end, all this of the false, external world, will fall away, including the DMV, and all we will have is the work we have done on our insides.

Let us cultivate beauty within, at least as much as we attend to the beauty of the external. As Eckhart Tolle says, "Be at least as interested in what is going on inside as outside."

I dream of a day when we are free, beyond what we know that word to mean now. A day when my brothers and sisters don't spend their precious free time getting a license to verify their identity. A day when my precious brothers and sisters are not indentured servants to a job they hate. A day when the beautiful woman behind the counter, who spends day after day in a little box, on an old stool, under horrible lights, doesn't have to be there anymore, and is free to explore and create and live and love and has all her needs taken care of.

Our abundance does not come from our paycheck. Our source is much greater than that, let us all bow down and acknowledge the true source and free ourselves of the chains that bind.