Yoga: To Yoke

I am eight weeks into my Core Power Yoga Teacher Training. Eight weeks. I never realized how much one can learn, grow, change their body, mind and spirit, and their entire outlook on life in eight weeks. When I started I knew I was accomplishing a dream that had been showing up on my collages for the past ten years. I knew it was good. I could never have known how good. Like jumping off the edge of a cliff into an abyss, one can never know what is down there until we leap and begin our descent, or in this case, ascent. I look at my collages now and it is eerie. The yoga, the scenes, the friends, I am clear I have created my life straight out of my visions, dreams, wishes, writings and lived those creative art pieces into existence. Now when I collage, it is not just that I am envisioning a future, I am actually revealing to myself what dreams are under the surface that I am already manifesting, conscious and not.

I did not expect to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I stand here now a much wiser woman, clearer about the road I am traveling and paradoxically ever more baffled at the magnificent wonder of it all. I don't know where I am going, but each new place I show up seems to me to be divinely orchestrated and my faith in that is growing all the time. I have been profoundly touched by partner yoga, Yogassage, Sanskrit, Kirtan, rich Hindu Mythology, Cadaver lab, and the hero's journey that we all take at some point, in varying ways and degrees, as we make our way home to ourselves. I did not expect to fall so in love with the people in my class. I did not expect to gain so much inner strength and will to try new things, as simple as a tri-pod headstand, or hand-stand, but in these endeavors, I have unlocked a piece of my heart that I shut down long ago out of fear and a story called, "I can't do it." And now, I can only say that I am giddy like a child after every first attempt at something new and for the poses I have achieved for the first time, it's like a new me is re-born in that moment, a me with a shining third Chakra power center! Core Power is about so much more than abs. Those abs represent the energy of one who endeavors to stretch and expand-mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Plus, it is great fun being upside down and falling all over the place!

I never expected to uncover that touch is a passion of mine. I didn't know that could be a passion. I desire to cultivate connection and touch amongst we humans, spending our time together using our bodies to stretch, support, deepen, release, strengthen, energize, heal. I realize this path I am on reveals little pieces at a time until, before we know it, we have cultivated rich depth, appreciation and capability as we have walked the good red road. When I am old, my hair is gray, and there are lines upon my face...I know, in many ways, I will be the same awake, rhythmic, beating heart that I am today, with all of me that I was at one and two and three, and thirty-three plus the capacities of the me that is growing ever more deeply into each moment, which becomes this vast future of miracles and new possibilities for expansion and awareness and service. I don't know where I am going, but I know I trust, ever more deeply all the time, in the perfection of each step being laid down before me. I pray, dear God, wash away all the wounds, sores, scars and tensions of my heart and allow it to open like a beacon of light, shining to light the way for us all. May all our hearts be joined in the reality of All is One and may we play, tumble, and hand stand all the way home!

I am eight weeks into my Core Power Yoga Teacher Training. Eight weeks. I never realized how much one can learn, grow, change their body, mind and spirit, and their entire outlook on life in eight weeks. When I started I knew I was accomplishing a dream that had been showing up on my collages for the past ten years. I knew it was good. I could never have known how good. Like jumping off the edge of a cliff into an abyss, one can never know what is down there until we leap and begin our descent, or in this case, ascent. I look at my collages now and it is eerie. The yoga, the scenes, the friends, I am clear I have created my life straight out of my visions, dreams, wishes, writings and lived those creative art pieces into existence. Now when I collage, it is not just that I am envisioning a future, I am actually revealing to myself what dreams are under the surface that I am already manifesting, conscious and not.

I did not expect to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I stand here now a much wiser woman, clearer about the road I am traveling and paradoxically ever more baffled at the magnificent wonder of it all. I don't know where I am going, but each new place I show up seems to me to be divinely orchestrated and my faith in that is growing all the time. I have been profoundly touched by partner yoga, yogassage, Sanskrit, Kirtan, rich Hindu Mythology, and the hero's journey that we all take at some point, in varying ways and degrees, as we make our way home to ourselves. I did not expect to fall so in love with the people in my class. I did not expect to gain so much inner strength and will to try new things, as simple as a tri-pod headstand, or hand stand, but in these endeavors, I have unlocked a piece of my heart that I shut down long ago out of fear and a story called, "I can't dot it." And now, I can only say that I am giddy like a child after every first attempt at something new and for the poses I have achieved for the first time, it's like a new me is re-born in that moment, a me with a shining third Chakra power center! Core Power is about so much more than abs. Those abs represent the energy of one who endeavors to stretch and expand-mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Plus, it is great fun being upside down and falling all over the place!

I never expected to uncover that touch is a passion of mine. I didn't know that could be a passion. I desire to cultivate connection and touch amongst we humans, spending our time together using our bodies to stretch, support, deepen, release, strengthen, energize, heal. I realize this path I am on reveals little pieces at a time until, before we know it, we have cultivated rich depth, appreciation and capability as we have walked the good red road. When I am old, my hair is gray, and there are lines upon my face...I know, in many ways, I will be the same awake, rhythmic, beating heart that I am today, with all of me that I was at one and two and three, and thirty-three plus the capacities of the me that is growing ever more deeply into each moment, which becomes this vast future of miracles and new possibilities for expansion and awareness and service. I don't know where I am going, but I know I trust, ever more deeply all the time, in the perfection of each step being laid down before me. I pray, dear God, wash away all the wounds, sores, scars and tensions of my heart and allow it to open like a beacon of light, shining to light the way for us all. May all our hearts be joined in the reality of All is One and may we play, tumble, and hand stand all the way home!

Partner Yoga and Yogassage

I am eight weeks into my Core Power Yoga Teacher Training. Eight weeks. I never realized how much one can learn, grow, change their body and their entire outlook on life is eight weeks. When I started I knew I was accomplishing a dream that had been showing up on my collages for the past ten years. I knew it was good. I could never have known how good. Like jumping off the edge of a cliff into an abyss, one can never know what is down there until we reach it. I look at my collages now and it is eerie. The yoga, the scenes, the friends, I am clear I have created my life straight out of my visions, dreams, wishes, writings and lived those creative art pieces into existence. Now when I collage it is not just that I am visioning a future, I am actually revealing to myself what dreams are under the surface that I am already manifesting, conscious and not.

I did not expect to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I stand here now a much wiser woman, clearer abo

33 Things in 33 Years

1. Seeking approval and love outside yourself is a dead end. If you take care of you and are full up, people satellite around you.

2. Practice deep listening as a path of service. Deeply. For a long time. Notice when you want to interrupt or respond and then keep listening.


3. Spend time with children, or anyone or thing that brings out the child-like play in you.

4. Do yoga.

5. Sing.

6. Listen to music and move your body- dance!


7. Travel opens the mind and the heart.

8. When you really don't want to do something, sometimes, that is the time to stick it out and do it. Find your edge, and push past it. a lot.

9. Find the difference between your guidance warning you and your ego being afraid of a breakthrough. Walk that edge and make mistakes, because each time you'll learn.

10. Chug water first thing in the morning.

11. Moving hips, if you are a female, is very healing. Try it.

12. Food that is good for you feels physically uplifting during the act of eating it.

13. Read

14. People just want to be gotten.

15. Going for a walk can change your entire mood.

16. Spend one day where you go nowhere from time to time.

17. Pick a day to turn off your phone and be unavailable from time to time.

18. You are always enrolling someone into something. Is it possibility or a poor me story?

19. Let your wild passions come out sometimes, get crazy.

20. Swim naked in the sea.

21. Remember you don't know how you got here or what is going on.

22. Avocados taste delicious.

23. Spend time in nature for multiple days completely unplugged. It changes you.

24. When you are really defensive, practice stopping and asking yourself, "What am I defending?"

25. Be amused.

26. Start spontaneous laughing parties.

27. write your desires down on paper. This is a powerful manifesting tool.

28. Lighten up.

29. If you are not doing something because you don't have enough money that is a lie.

30. Whatever you don't like about someone is the universe mirroring to you a shadow part of yourself you have yet to heal. Thank them as a messenger, don't shoot the messenger. :)

31. Nothing that you see is caused by anything outside of you.

32. If you want love, give love. Whatever you are wanting, give it.

33. You are the Christ, the anointed one.

My Turn

We are coming upon
My turn
It is almost time
For my turn
Soon, there will be no interruption
Soon, that bubble will form
Golden, full of light
Surrounding me
In sacred space
And yes, it will be full of angels
And yes, fairies too
And they will be whispering in my ear:
This is your time
This is your space
To make your art
To make your start
To close the door
And take the floor
In the imaginative world
Of my own making
Of infitine blessings
And waves to behold
Of deep rooted stories
Waiting to be told
Many years
I have spent
Saying:
Yes, Ma'am
Or
Sure, Sir
Many years I have spent
Looking up at mom
Wondering
Are you proud?
Am I good enough?
Did I do it right?
That girl is grown
That new moon has shone
This snake has just about shed its skin
And soon
I will carve out
A sacred space
For me
To make
My art
And I will start
That book I know
That poetry flow
That reasonable hour
Of clock-ticking power
Where I will make the beauty of GOD!
Again and again
The way only I can
In this one life
With this one chance
To put my poem on the page
All of my guilt
The last of my rage
The inspiring sage
She is me
And I am she
Infinite goddess
As deep as the sea
Tell me!
Is it my turn, yet?

Weeds in the Heart

My beloveds look at me and say

How are you?

I smile, and know that they love

But how does one create the depth of a vast ocean

Inside the constraints of our words?

How can I paint you a picture of the caverns and caves inside?

I wish I could open up my chest when you ask how I am

And let you dive in and swim around for awhile

And then greet you at the end, on a nice beach, with a drink

And say, "So what did you see? How am I? What should I say when people ask?"


These days there are no words

For the renovation of my heart

An old love is moving out

Making space for the new

And I know

All change is helpful

But in this vacancy

There is raw, exposed flesh

So I protect it

It is my greatest jewel

And I wait for magic moments to pull back the covers

And reveal its light

The past:

Like a weed pulled from the ground

You know it must go

For the growth of something more bountiful

But it is this expunging of life

This tearing up and out

Which leaves a hole, in the ground

Or in this case, my heart

And the ripping of flesh

Is painful

And sometimes it feels lonely

Sad

I mean, come on folks, where are we? what the fuck is going on?? I am spinning in a vast universe and I don't get it...

And so I settle in and feel my body

I look upon this sadness and ask:

From where do you come?

Are you really mine?

And I realize there are old pictures

Energy from parents that is not mine

In my space

About what love is

Of how it should be

And I blow them

It is just energy

And here, now, I can ground into present time

Fill up on me

Know that all roads lead to Rome

Which really means

We are on our way home

I am not alone

This separateness is not true

Like a pilgrim

Weary from travel

I let go of my way

And know

Thy Will Be Done!


So if you ask me how I am

Know that when I say,"Good."

It really means that I am growing a new heart

That I am tender like a newborn

That I am making a fresh start

That weeds have been pulled from my garden

I feel like I am missing a limb

I am grappling with death

I am letting go of everything

I am trusting that all will come to me

I need do nothing

I belong to source

Do you get all that when I just say, "Good?"

I'm Likely to Lick You!

So you better watch out! :) Okay, not really, I am too well programmed from my past and still have all my guck about wanting to be liked and to fit in and I don't ever plan to go to jail. :)

Right now, I am looking at all these beings around me and all I see is walking Love. Love is up, awake and walking around! The beauty and mystery and power of you incredible beings astounds me. If ever I was sleeping, the Great Spirit has awoken me and sparked my heart to see the light that is in us. Maybe it is all that precious care I have been taking of myself. Maybe in learning to saturate myself in tenderness I have arisen from my sick bed to see you people anew- to see you with the eyes of a child. So often my desire is to pull you close, whisper in your ear that thing I think you might need to hear and then I would hold you close, tenderly nurturing that child in your heart who just wants to be reminded that you are safe and perfect and loved. After that, I might lick you. Simply to play and taste you, nectar of the Gods. You are the nectar of God. But actually, on second thought, I don't really want to go around licking everyone, but you get my drift, right?

So often I want to hug people. I may not know you well, but I feel the swell in my heart and want to share and express my love! And by the way, I know there are others out there just like me, so good job holding it together and acting subdued. And for those dark nights, or sunshiney days when you let it burst forth like lightning in a storm, good job! I invite us all to explode forth in our love just a little bit more. And if you lick me, I won't ever mind. :)

This one is for my late grandma, Jacqueline Bates Haynes Shewell. She loved everyone. I mean it, I know people say that but she would have held your hand if you were a stranger on the street who opened the door for her, and she would have looked you in the eye, and said with all of her heart, "Aw honey, I love you." She would have meant every word. I watched her, day after day, year after year, be a crusader for that all people deserved our love. God grandma, you did it so well. You are my hero and I hope I am making you proud. And Holy Spirit, what would you have me do? Where would you have me go? What would you have me say and who would you have me say it to? Oh, and grandma, I found God. Your one wish. I didn't find "him" like you thought- it is not via the Bible or a Southern Baptist Church. Turns out, it was in me all along, it is who I really am. I just forgot for awhile. :)

The Holy Spirit is Present, Even at the DMV.

I lost my license. The picture on my last one was taken when I was in my early twenties. It was a really good picture. People always tell me so. Today, I have gray hairs. Today, I am 13 pounds heavier. Today, I have wrinkles. I thought of all these things as I approached the DMV, seeing myself age before my own eyes, letting go of things of the past.

When I arrived it was surprisingly packed for a Friday morning, I mean, aren't you all supposed to be working? My number said 909 and the sign read 548. What?! I sat down for a few moments and then walked to the coffee shop and to my car to get my notebook so I could write, how else was I to "kill" all this time?

I noticed my ego was making this situation wrong. It shouldn't be this way, this is my day off. I stopped myself mid-thought. I prayed to the Holy Spirit, your will be done, and decided that if where I was right now was the DMV then that is exactly perfect and I am going to open up to seeing the presence of God.

I went back in and sat down in a new spot. I glanced at a thin, tall, blonde woman with blue eyes and a chiseled face. My immediate thought was that she did not seem very friendly. I shared aloud, "I thought I was number 909 but I just realized I read it upside down and I am number 606, my day just got better!" She looked at me and laughed and we began to talk. By the end of the hour and a half I learned that she was a nurse in a downtown Denver hospital. She worked 12 1/2 hour shifts with no lunch break. Sometimes her patients would all ring for her at once and one might be angry and yell at her by the time she arrived. She has a daughter who is in 2nd grade who studied hard for her spelling test and was nervous this morning. We both grew up in Ohio. She asked if I had seen the movie, "Waiting for Superman." I shared with her my perspective on teaching and education, we shared what we would do if we ran the world. My notebook for writing barely got touched. I spent the whole time getting to know her. Soon her mom came in and we three began to laugh and chat. We discussed the military, nursing, education, the financial system, retirement, lunch breaks and science trivia. Others began to come and sit near us. No one else spoke, but many looked at us, made eye contact, smiled. We were the only folks in the whole place talking.

It has always interested me how human beings behave in many public spaces. For example, at my local gym everyone just ignores everybody else and it is often eerily silent. I sometimes desire to just start talking. Wouldn't you rather connect with me than watch TV? For many folks, the answer is no. There is a culture, especially in Colorado, of easy going, I mind my business and you mind yours and we leave each other alone. I have often thought that we could revolutionize humanity's relating to one another if we just all started talking to each other wherever we are. These strange social norms developed over time, where we each have our roles to play, keep us separate and distant. I am the customer, you are the sales rep. I am the teacher, you are the parent. I want to connect with you and know you beyond our roles. I want laughter in the stiffest of silent places.

In a small pale room called the DMV, with florescent lights and white linoleum tile, full of people sitting in chairs with headphones on, or starting at the wall, or scrolling through their phones, we can miss the opportunity to connect with and honor the holy spirit that is in each one of us always. We never know who is sitting next to us. A hero, a great teacher, a fabulous mother. What is possible if we wake up to that we are all the same in our essence, we are all equal, none of us is greater? I mean beyond knowing this intellectually, I mean acting like there is no separation publicly. I mean like loving, hugging, smiling, touching the stranger on the airplane, the TSA agent, the grocery clerk. I want so badly for our personas to melt way so the essence of our magnificence can shine forth.

I also met Eric, whose picture is included here. He played ukelele outside while we waited and shared that he picked out his favorite shirt for his new picture on his license. He is studying biology and philosophy at CU and shared with me a unique project I can do with students about DNA.


In the end, though I walked out of there with a photo of an older version of me, the woman on the inside is wise and deep. Sure, in my early twenties my skin was tighter and thinner and I looked young and beautiful. However, that girl, would not have thought twice about talking to anyone at the DMV. That girl, didn't have the same caverns and wells of depth developed within to turn a simple trip to the local DMV into an adventure in opening to God. So, as I age, and my skin goes slack and my hair turns dull, I know all the beauty is soaking deeper in to my insides, igniting the lantern within. For in the end, all this of the false, external world, will fall away, including the DMV, and all we will have is the work we have done on our insides.

Let us cultivate beauty within, at least as much as we attend to the beauty of the external. As Eckhart Tolle says, "Be at least as interested in what is going on inside as outside."

I dream of a day when we are free, beyond what we know that word to mean now. A day when my brothers and sisters don't spend their precious free time getting a license to verify their identity. A day when my precious brothers and sisters are not indentured servants to a job they hate. A day when the beautiful woman behind the counter, who spends day after day in a little box, on an old stool, under horrible lights, doesn't have to be there anymore, and is free to explore and create and live and love and has all her needs taken care of.

Our abundance does not come from our paycheck. Our source is much greater than that, let us all bow down and acknowledge the true source and free ourselves of the chains that bind.

Hell Hath No Fury...

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." ~Kahlil Gibran

Well, if this is true, then I have loved deeply, devotedly and with my whole heart. Last night, as the sobs came for the first time since our separation, I wailed from the inner depths of me, I thought I might die. It felt as though all the sadness and disappointment and pain from all my losses were released into my blood stream. My mind was overtaken with all the negative thoughts I have ever thought about myself and I thought I may never feel light again. I may never be able to love myself again, not after this. The wounded abyss inside felt like a dark and enveloping black whole and I sobbed and sobbed until at last, the reprieve. He, on the other hand, is settling nicely into a new love affair. He waited two weeks, folks. After a 12 paragraph letter about wanting to be alone, (and a week after professing his undying, unchanging love)needing to not be in relationship and wanting to really work on and focus on himself, he began chasing tail two weeks later. Long before we had completed, much less spoken, he was already engaging with a new woman. This could be shocking, were it not for the fact that this has happened, in our relationship, no less than six times. Six. Six times this man has left and settled his soul in the warmth of another woman. All the while telling me, as sure as the sun will rise, that he is done with me and is moving on and he is free to do as he so pleases. True that. With no regard for anyone else at all. That is your birthright. To act like a total douchebag over and over and shit on the ones you love. But hey, we all know that ain't love, folks. Not. even. close. He will insist, to this day, that he loves and cares about me very much, more than anyone else in his life. Ha! The seducing lameness of illusion! When he is loving me, he is sure then too, that his love is real and changed and for sure this time. I can count on him 100%, it won't change, he guarantees it. Buyer beware. This might seem harsh. You, the reader, may be a friend of his, or ours, or mine. This may seem like trash talking. I'm okay with that. After 19 months of being yanked around, pushed away then pulled back, I am angry. I am not going to lie to you and pretend and recite some nice quotes and suffer silently. I am going to air my dirty laundry, just like all good writers and emoters can and declare to the world the anguish in my heart, the truth of my sorrow and the bitter break of my bountiful heart. If I offend, you need not read on, in fact, ignore all communication from me, but please, do not insist that I be silent. When the war waged within is spoken about, shared, then I can begin to heal. I must first own that I have been yanked around and I am angry. It sucks.

On the Wings of Forgiveness

"Lonely is the soul who cannot forgive. For when you hold something against another you hold it against yourself and isolate yourself. When you are angry with someone, you withhold that which is of value to you, the positive qualities of being, from that person. What happens when you do this? As long as you are withholding that which is beautiful, valuable, and wonderful from the other person, you cannot give it to yourself either. Try it and see what happens.

As we forgive others, so we are forgiven.

Forgiving begins with your willingness to give to spirit regardless of what condition it is in.

Forgiveness doesn't demand that you condone what others do; you only need to give willingly to the life within them, which is the same one life within you. Each time you forgive, you heal the spirit trapped within the action and the person.

Often we resist forgiving for fear that, in forgiving, the hurtful experience may be repeated. In truth, however, it is only in forgiving that we cull the wisdom from our experience and, once the lesson is learned, we need not repeat it."

You Are the Answer by Michael Tamura

Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy;

O divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

How could anything that created us with love put us in a place where we could even be hurt by accident

Breastfeeding Now Legal!

Ha! Okay, not really, but apparently construction and major corporations have caught up with biology. There is a now a "lactation" room for women at wholefoods. Fancy that! You have to feed your young?

5 Ways to Beat the Winter Blues

1. Peppermint Oil- put it in tea or water, inhale, etc. The menthol has anti-depressant properties. Inhale before a workout for extra energy.

2. Fluorescent light. Changes melatonin in your brain- reduces melatonin and inhibits depression.

3. Chili Peppers- one chemical in them naturally boosts energy. Great for mid-afternoon slump.

4. Ginger Tea- helps with metabolism. Calms the inflammation of the body, helps with weight.

5. Ginkgo Biloba- supports healthy blood flow to the brain.

Wise Wench, Colors.

My inner child's message to me. Drawn with non-dominant hand.
And another.
Crayons. ;)
An altar for me, by me, for her. I'm 5. I'm petting a deer. I look fucking adorable!
For cleansing. And love.
And protection.
And ritual.
Tonight I stayed in. I danced around in my living room to some of my favorite, I'm a funkin' powerful woman and I got major juju music! Got some face crack and then went to my hot tub to soak and ground. I filled myself up with juicy me energy and then laid on my couch. wet. knowing it would get wet. ain't no one gonna tell me what to do, yo! :)

After showering and rubbing myself up with some fine jojoba oil, I ate delicious avocado with salt. mm. Licked my lips a lot. Folded and put away clothes and then began to color with my non-dominant hand, advice from high council. My roomie and I then made the fire you see, of salt and alcohol, to cleanse our space. We set intentions, created sacred space and protection for we, the beautiful women, of our tipi.

A story came to mind of a time when I was young, and hurt. I got up and grabbed a picture of my cute 5 year old self and made an altar to me, my inner child, my dear, gentle, angel self. I protected her with rose quartz, hearts, an angel, and Ganesha. Above the altar, a note to myself reads, "You are free to birth whatever you so desire." So mote it be. I love loving myself this well. Yes! Here's to art, coloring, non-dominance, balance, tenderness and honoring innocence.

Oh man, have we come so far, we are doing so well. Create a little sacred space for you, or the little one who dwells within.

Dirty Laundry? Air it Out!

When lovers go
It can feel like a cold wind
A dark night
Wrapping itself around my heart

I sink into the shallows
A baby's pool of pity and grasping emotion
To struggle for breath
Only to awaken to that I am an adult now
And I can take care of myself
And there is a wise woman within

So it is time for the child to stop running the show
And for me to look at all the ways I abandon myself

And forgive my father
And heal those wounds
From a child's perspective

And how did this become my cross to bear?
And how long will it take?
And do you know?

And so I hold her
Like only a big girl can
I soothe her
If I had been there when she was small
I would have wrapped her in warmth
Held her till she slept
I could not then
I can now

The journey towards wholeness
Towards sovereignty, only to realize oneness
Seems cold and lonely, where I sit right now.

I pray for peace
I want so badly to experience love

For warm winds and bright sun
So I may once again remember
From whence I come...

You know I've heard
We already made it home
This is us, remembering the journey.
I am so glad.

Manifesting Accident!

The lovely fire being.

Nourishing food: Eggs, yellow pepper, pesto, garlic, cheese, salsa, spinach, avocado, spelt tortilla


Today is wishcasting Wednesday, A new moon, Candlemas, Imbolc, and Ground Hog Day! Enjoy this mid-point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox!

Last night, my beautiful roommate, Jennifer, made a VERY intentional fire, prayed to all directions and tended the fire ALL night long. Never have I seen someone be so present and honoring of the fire being, nor have I seen someone gently nudge and nurture a fire for hours on end. At one point, when we were gazing into the flames, she asked what I do with my old collages. Truthfully, I either keep them hidden away, or I recycle them. She asked if I wanted to burn any to release the prayers. One collage in particular appeared in my mind. YES, I have one I want to burn, and I want to burn it BADLY!

Just recently, a lover of mine, a man I love, took his ex-girlfriend on a trip to Napa Valley. On one of my favorite collages there is a picture of a man and a woman in Napa Valley, at a vineyard, feeding one another grapes. Coincidentally, I had just recently pulled out this collage and hung it on my wall. You see, I think I manifested my desire, I just was not specific enough. :) I did not ensure and intend that I wanted that couple in the picture to be ME and my lover, not my lover and another woman. Oops.

I got up from the fire and pulled out the collage. She and I looked over it very carefully. I realized that the man in the picture, tall, dark and handsome, sure did look like my lover, and the woman? She did not look like me. Not at all. Bummer. Something about my intentions and creation of that collage seemed to be me creating some desires on top of fears. It was made in a time when I could see a picture of what I wanted but really did not believe that I could actually have it. And you see, even the "picture" of what I wanted relationship to look like was formed from programming from my family and culture. I am really looking at the programming I inherited from my "society" and my family; the pictures, or definitions of what family is, what it means to be in partnership, or married.

It is time for me to release what does not work for me and create anew what it means to me to have a family. I am sitting in meditation with the feelings of what it means to me to be loved and chosen by another and offered support AND, do you know what? I can fill up on those feelings any time I want! It does not actually take another human being. If what I desire is to feel loved and supported, I can give that to myself. In fact, that is the only way for me to really have it. It always comes from within, we can never expect, nor rely, on another to supply us with anything. And if we won't take the time to give it to ourselves, how can we ask another to give it to us?

You see, I, you, we, many of us, were raised to believe that we would be complete, or full, or worthy, when we were married, or had children, or landed that perfect job, or got that degree. Many of us have woken up to that this is programming. It is time, now, to release those pictures, those old desires and fears and surrender to the universe.

Do you know who made you? I believe I am not my creator. I believe something much larger, which I like to call The Holy Spirit, created me. Therefore, I am not alone. I do not have to do it alone. I need not answer the questions I have. It's time that we make our business asking questions, asking for what we would like and then give it up to God, spirit, whatever you call your creator. I released those old pictures into the fire being, and prayed that Holy Spirit release me from my fears and bless me with love and peace.

As for him, I release him too, with this prayer from ACIM, "I give you to the holy spirit as part of myself, I know that you will be released unless I want to use you to imprison myself, in the name of my freedom I choose your release because I recognize we will be released together." Amen!

Bless you lovers on your journey. My prayer for you is that you be released from the bonds that you have created and open to the love and joy that is yours always. May we all forgive one another, for by doing so we forgive and free ourselves. Love is who we are, forever. :) Go make joy!

Baby It's Cold Outside

I'm in my pajamas in bed. I feel uber cozy and comfortable and I feel great about that. Today was day number four off of work and I look forward to my fifth day tomorrow. Boulder is a chilly -19 or so, which is a Colorado record, or so says me mum. Coldest night ever in Colorado! Fancy that! I am a snug bug in my rug and I'm alright with this news, I like novelty. Today I nurtured myself all day. I got a massage, went to the chiropractor, visited with my therapist (yes, I am in therapy and I love it and highly recommend it!) and I ate delicious, nutritious food and soaked in my hot tub, meditated, journaled, read, watched A Course in Miracles, sat in front of the warm fire and burned an old collage to release those prayers, and, best of all, my new roomie and I made delicious hot cocoa with cinnamon, cayenne pepper, chocolate and we whipped it up to make it frothy. Wow, how good can we have it? How amazing can you stand it? Just stay in the questions. You need not know how to answer! Learning to love myself has been a long journey, but I feel as if I am making grand strides, in this, my 33rd rotation around the sun. I am learning the joy of focusing my attention on me, asking myself what I desire, what I would like and giving it to myself. I am learning that my relationship with me is the most important one I will ever have and so it is time well spent to snuggle up with Self and nurture away. What did you do to nurture you today? Stay warm on this night and I bless you on your journey. My prayer for you tonight is that you experience rest, peace and the realization that you are the source of all you experience! So source away and make it gay! May you rejoice in the darkness of winter, knowing that the light within will always keep you warm. I love you.

"How much do you love yourself? It's good to know since it's directly related to how much you can truly love another. If you don't love yourself, you will make your lover pay for all of your guilt and sense of unworthiness. Learn to love yourself...clean up your mistakes, forgive those that need to be forgiven and heal those buttons that others can easily push." Quote from, "Daily Transformations."

After Awhile, We Get Use to Shit (I've done it to myself)

Forgive me my trespasses for using the word shit, but it's true. Sometimes when we put up with shit, we begin to get comfortable there, we forget we are in shit. Today I got up at 5:30 a.m. and went to Boot Camp. The only reason I got myself there was because I was resisting it so badly that I knew I should go. It has been a long time since I experienced my ego that strong- I've put it off for weeks, and even though I was awake by 5:15 naturally and already out of bed, I texted my girlfriend, "It's too early! I can't go!! My head hurts!!" Lying there, hoping she'd accept my resignation, I realized my life would never change if I kept playing the same old games. I texted back, "I'm up! I'm coming!" I threw on my clothes, slammed some water, and in the icy cold I made my way there. After jump roping, running, squats, knee kicks and butt kicks, dead hangs and throwing an 8 lb ball at the wall using my obliques, I began to feel ill. I made my way to the bathroom. There, I encountered my ego, shadow side, whatever you want to call it, louder than I have in some time. It was telling me I was worthless, fat, lazy, a loser, and that I couldn't do it. I wanted to quit life. I was ready to leave there, not go to work, and curl up in bed, surrendering to that the best of my life was behind me. I realized that I have not pushed myself that hard since I broke both bones in my lower leg four years ago and couldn't walk for three months and had to learn to walk again. All that sadness and shame and rage came boiling up to the surface. I realized I had become very comfortable in life, comfortable with shit and it was showing itself in all areas of my life. I have been complacent about my work, my body and well-being and my relationships. I have accepted shit for years now. You can openly shit on me and I will be comfortable with that. I knew, in the small confines of those brick walls, that if I wanted the life I dream of, it was time to push myself and get VERY uncomfortable. Lately, I am all about comfort. I want comfort foods, my comfortable bed, comfortable weather, comfortable relationships, so I will settle for shit and I call myself happy. I began to lovingly tell myself, "These are just thoughts. They are not true." Soon, my sickness passed and I grounded and centered myself and faced the people outside the door, still hard at work. I came out, letting go of shame, and resumed exercising. When I was done, many shared that lots of folks get sick their first time or two and have to sit out. Instantly, I realized, once again, I was not alone. Feelings of well-being returned, and I was reminded that there is no need EVER to feel shame. However, there is a need to push oneself to grow. Sometimes I think I am working hard, but I'm not. I am skimming by and calling it work. Like the fleas that stop jumping so high when a lid is put on the jar, I too have stopped jumping so high. Once that lid is removed, they never attempt to jump higher than they did before, they stay trapped, in an open jar, forever. I do not want to settle for shit when I can have anything I want for myself and my life. It's time, Rachel, it is time. Growth can cause pain, stretch marks, uncomfortableness. It's time to surrender to the pain, to go into it. I'm willing to push myself to be with the discomfort so I can transform life as I know it and get a kick-ass body in the process- a physical manifestation of my inner spiritual work.

"The only way out is through." -Akka Mahadevi

P.S. Update: Couple hours later I am seeing the world in a new perspective. I give thanks to my dear brother, Earl Raj Purdy and his amazing teachings of A Course in Miracles. See today's lesson on my wall if you want a serious turn-around with the thoughts you are currently thinking. Anyway, as much as it feels good to vent and say the word, "shit" as soon as that is out of my mouth I seek out a way to turn it around and get responsible for my occurring world. I realize that suffering is optional and the world I see is a reflection of my thoughts. So, let's express ourselves, but know the truth. And the truth is that which is true always. We are divine beings created by God and we are full of light and possibility and can create amazing wonders, but we must do the work of looking at our thoughts and be responsible for that our thoughts and perceptions create the world we see. "The world is innocent. No one is to blame. I've done this to myself." ACIM (Purdy) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNSPSXvvxE0