After Awhile, We Get Use to Shit (I've done it to myself)

Forgive me my trespasses for using the word shit, but it's true. Sometimes when we put up with shit, we begin to get comfortable there, we forget we are in shit. Today I got up at 5:30 a.m. and went to Boot Camp. The only reason I got myself there was because I was resisting it so badly that I knew I should go. It has been a long time since I experienced my ego that strong- I've put it off for weeks, and even though I was awake by 5:15 naturally and already out of bed, I texted my girlfriend, "It's too early! I can't go!! My head hurts!!" Lying there, hoping she'd accept my resignation, I realized my life would never change if I kept playing the same old games. I texted back, "I'm up! I'm coming!" I threw on my clothes, slammed some water, and in the icy cold I made my way there. After jump roping, running, squats, knee kicks and butt kicks, dead hangs and throwing an 8 lb ball at the wall using my obliques, I began to feel ill. I made my way to the bathroom. There, I encountered my ego, shadow side, whatever you want to call it, louder than I have in some time. It was telling me I was worthless, fat, lazy, a loser, and that I couldn't do it. I wanted to quit life. I was ready to leave there, not go to work, and curl up in bed, surrendering to that the best of my life was behind me. I realized that I have not pushed myself that hard since I broke both bones in my lower leg four years ago and couldn't walk for three months and had to learn to walk again. All that sadness and shame and rage came boiling up to the surface. I realized I had become very comfortable in life, comfortable with shit and it was showing itself in all areas of my life. I have been complacent about my work, my body and well-being and my relationships. I have accepted shit for years now. You can openly shit on me and I will be comfortable with that. I knew, in the small confines of those brick walls, that if I wanted the life I dream of, it was time to push myself and get VERY uncomfortable. Lately, I am all about comfort. I want comfort foods, my comfortable bed, comfortable weather, comfortable relationships, so I will settle for shit and I call myself happy. I began to lovingly tell myself, "These are just thoughts. They are not true." Soon, my sickness passed and I grounded and centered myself and faced the people outside the door, still hard at work. I came out, letting go of shame, and resumed exercising. When I was done, many shared that lots of folks get sick their first time or two and have to sit out. Instantly, I realized, once again, I was not alone. Feelings of well-being returned, and I was reminded that there is no need EVER to feel shame. However, there is a need to push oneself to grow. Sometimes I think I am working hard, but I'm not. I am skimming by and calling it work. Like the fleas that stop jumping so high when a lid is put on the jar, I too have stopped jumping so high. Once that lid is removed, they never attempt to jump higher than they did before, they stay trapped, in an open jar, forever. I do not want to settle for shit when I can have anything I want for myself and my life. It's time, Rachel, it is time. Growth can cause pain, stretch marks, uncomfortableness. It's time to surrender to the pain, to go into it. I'm willing to push myself to be with the discomfort so I can transform life as I know it and get a kick-ass body in the process- a physical manifestation of my inner spiritual work.

"The only way out is through." -Akka Mahadevi

P.S. Update: Couple hours later I am seeing the world in a new perspective. I give thanks to my dear brother, Earl Raj Purdy and his amazing teachings of A Course in Miracles. See today's lesson on my wall if you want a serious turn-around with the thoughts you are currently thinking. Anyway, as much as it feels good to vent and say the word, "shit" as soon as that is out of my mouth I seek out a way to turn it around and get responsible for my occurring world. I realize that suffering is optional and the world I see is a reflection of my thoughts. So, let's express ourselves, but know the truth. And the truth is that which is true always. We are divine beings created by God and we are full of light and possibility and can create amazing wonders, but we must do the work of looking at our thoughts and be responsible for that our thoughts and perceptions create the world we see. "The world is innocent. No one is to blame. I've done this to myself." ACIM (Purdy) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNSPSXvvxE0