Waiting

I'm sitting at The Laughing Goat. Music appropriate for funky muppets is playing loudly. I am warm, grateful for the sun which has just begun to shine through the window. I keep analyzing and judging the man sitting next to me, as he goes on and on and seems to be talking mostly because he is enjoying it. I feel sorry for the girl next to him, and all the while I am reminding myself that I am judging and actually may have no idea what is really going on. The man in the corner is reading with his thick, full beard. There's a girl who is quite beautiful and every time her table companion leaves, she opens a mirror compact and checks her face. I am sore from yoga last night and finally done with my report cards for school. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for the first time ever I am not joining my biological family. This is a big deal for me, a step towards loving myself enough to choose wisely what feels good for me. Baby steps. I will be with chosen family tomorrow, spirit family, and I am so ever grateful that I have friends to gather with. Oh god, this guy next to me again, I wish she would get up and leave him. Probably because I know there are so many times when I should walk away when some narcissist is pounding his thoughts into me. YES! She just walked away. Hell yeah, girl. You go. She's back. Without a breath he starts talking again, "So, like..." She interrupts him. I wonder how well he knows what he is saying. Does he reflect? Does he take seminars? Train himself? Read? Meditate? If not, I think she is running in a hamster wheel. Oh Lord, look at me projecting myself all over them. Thankful for the two folks who showed up in front of me so I can see what really gets my goat. That's why I'm at the Laughing Goat! To have my goat get gotten so I can see what I need for my own growth. And, as I realize this, I am laughing. The lighting shines a warm brown hue on everything making it all seem cozy and warm. The tables, mostly full with single folks or couples talking. The man with the beard was just joined by a lady friend who jumped up and down and hugged him when she entered. He is full of smiles now as he shares his book with her. In this moment I feel quiet and calm. The other man is raising his voice now and asking her if she understands the difference between his two logical statements. She's pissed now. I wonder what their intentions are? He seems to be enjoying an intellectual discourse and forgetting that a human being, with wants, desires and emotions is in front of him. She is but a means to end for him. He gets to know himself better by projecting all over her and vise versa. The music is now loud, heavy metal and stressful to my senses. I suddenly become self conscious, realizing I am looking around and simultaneously typing and wonder if people are noticing me? I am using all of them for me to practice my writing. As I sit here I am loaded with a heavy weight, wondering about the purpose of it all. Wondering if I will ever know what it is all about? Will I ever be fulfilled? Will I always be searching for something else, something more? I can enjoy my time with friends, my time alone. So far this week I have visited with friends, gotten a massage, gone to class, meditated, done yoga, sat in my hot tub, written my thoughts, watched a move, but it is all done with this certain feeling that I am waiting for something. Waiting to wake up. Waiting to travel. Waiting to have a different career, waiting to have a new lover. I am in a constant state of waiting. I keep buying all these books. I distract myself with reading other people talking about seeing the joy and innocence in the moment. Oh God, this guy is driving me nuts. He is now my biggest teacher. Non-resistance. I go to my car to add money to the meter. It is so cold, wind slaps my skin. Brr. Am I now waiting until spring? Waiting until it warms up?