Yoga: To Yoke

I am eight weeks into my Core Power Yoga Teacher Training. Eight weeks. I never realized how much one can learn, grow, change their body, mind and spirit, and their entire outlook on life in eight weeks. When I started I knew I was accomplishing a dream that had been showing up on my collages for the past ten years. I knew it was good. I could never have known how good. Like jumping off the edge of a cliff into an abyss, one can never know what is down there until we leap and begin our descent, or in this case, ascent. I look at my collages now and it is eerie. The yoga, the scenes, the friends, I am clear I have created my life straight out of my visions, dreams, wishes, writings and lived those creative art pieces into existence. Now when I collage, it is not just that I am envisioning a future, I am actually revealing to myself what dreams are under the surface that I am already manifesting, conscious and not.

I did not expect to learn so much in such a short amount of time. I stand here now a much wiser woman, clearer about the road I am traveling and paradoxically ever more baffled at the magnificent wonder of it all. I don't know where I am going, but each new place I show up seems to me to be divinely orchestrated and my faith in that is growing all the time. I have been profoundly touched by partner yoga, Yogassage, Sanskrit, Kirtan, rich Hindu Mythology, Cadaver lab, and the hero's journey that we all take at some point, in varying ways and degrees, as we make our way home to ourselves. I did not expect to fall so in love with the people in my class. I did not expect to gain so much inner strength and will to try new things, as simple as a tri-pod headstand, or hand-stand, but in these endeavors, I have unlocked a piece of my heart that I shut down long ago out of fear and a story called, "I can't do it." And now, I can only say that I am giddy like a child after every first attempt at something new and for the poses I have achieved for the first time, it's like a new me is re-born in that moment, a me with a shining third Chakra power center! Core Power is about so much more than abs. Those abs represent the energy of one who endeavors to stretch and expand-mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Plus, it is great fun being upside down and falling all over the place!

I never expected to uncover that touch is a passion of mine. I didn't know that could be a passion. I desire to cultivate connection and touch amongst we humans, spending our time together using our bodies to stretch, support, deepen, release, strengthen, energize, heal. I realize this path I am on reveals little pieces at a time until, before we know it, we have cultivated rich depth, appreciation and capability as we have walked the good red road. When I am old, my hair is gray, and there are lines upon my face...I know, in many ways, I will be the same awake, rhythmic, beating heart that I am today, with all of me that I was at one and two and three, and thirty-three plus the capacities of the me that is growing ever more deeply into each moment, which becomes this vast future of miracles and new possibilities for expansion and awareness and service. I don't know where I am going, but I know I trust, ever more deeply all the time, in the perfection of each step being laid down before me. I pray, dear God, wash away all the wounds, sores, scars and tensions of my heart and allow it to open like a beacon of light, shining to light the way for us all. May all our hearts be joined in the reality of All is One and may we play, tumble, and hand stand all the way home!

On the Wings of Forgiveness

"Lonely is the soul who cannot forgive. For when you hold something against another you hold it against yourself and isolate yourself. When you are angry with someone, you withhold that which is of value to you, the positive qualities of being, from that person. What happens when you do this? As long as you are withholding that which is beautiful, valuable, and wonderful from the other person, you cannot give it to yourself either. Try it and see what happens.

As we forgive others, so we are forgiven.

Forgiving begins with your willingness to give to spirit regardless of what condition it is in.

Forgiveness doesn't demand that you condone what others do; you only need to give willingly to the life within them, which is the same one life within you. Each time you forgive, you heal the spirit trapped within the action and the person.

Often we resist forgiving for fear that, in forgiving, the hurtful experience may be repeated. In truth, however, it is only in forgiving that we cull the wisdom from our experience and, once the lesson is learned, we need not repeat it."

You Are the Answer by Michael Tamura

Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy;

O divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

Dirty Laundry? Air it Out!

When lovers go
It can feel like a cold wind
A dark night
Wrapping itself around my heart

I sink into the shallows
A baby's pool of pity and grasping emotion
To struggle for breath
Only to awaken to that I am an adult now
And I can take care of myself
And there is a wise woman within

So it is time for the child to stop running the show
And for me to look at all the ways I abandon myself

And forgive my father
And heal those wounds
From a child's perspective

And how did this become my cross to bear?
And how long will it take?
And do you know?

And so I hold her
Like only a big girl can
I soothe her
If I had been there when she was small
I would have wrapped her in warmth
Held her till she slept
I could not then
I can now

The journey towards wholeness
Towards sovereignty, only to realize oneness
Seems cold and lonely, where I sit right now.

I pray for peace
I want so badly to experience love

For warm winds and bright sun
So I may once again remember
From whence I come...

You know I've heard
We already made it home
This is us, remembering the journey.
I am so glad.

Manifesting Accident!

The lovely fire being.

Nourishing food: Eggs, yellow pepper, pesto, garlic, cheese, salsa, spinach, avocado, spelt tortilla


Today is wishcasting Wednesday, A new moon, Candlemas, Imbolc, and Ground Hog Day! Enjoy this mid-point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox!

Last night, my beautiful roommate, Jennifer, made a VERY intentional fire, prayed to all directions and tended the fire ALL night long. Never have I seen someone be so present and honoring of the fire being, nor have I seen someone gently nudge and nurture a fire for hours on end. At one point, when we were gazing into the flames, she asked what I do with my old collages. Truthfully, I either keep them hidden away, or I recycle them. She asked if I wanted to burn any to release the prayers. One collage in particular appeared in my mind. YES, I have one I want to burn, and I want to burn it BADLY!

Just recently, a lover of mine, a man I love, took his ex-girlfriend on a trip to Napa Valley. On one of my favorite collages there is a picture of a man and a woman in Napa Valley, at a vineyard, feeding one another grapes. Coincidentally, I had just recently pulled out this collage and hung it on my wall. You see, I think I manifested my desire, I just was not specific enough. :) I did not ensure and intend that I wanted that couple in the picture to be ME and my lover, not my lover and another woman. Oops.

I got up from the fire and pulled out the collage. She and I looked over it very carefully. I realized that the man in the picture, tall, dark and handsome, sure did look like my lover, and the woman? She did not look like me. Not at all. Bummer. Something about my intentions and creation of that collage seemed to be me creating some desires on top of fears. It was made in a time when I could see a picture of what I wanted but really did not believe that I could actually have it. And you see, even the "picture" of what I wanted relationship to look like was formed from programming from my family and culture. I am really looking at the programming I inherited from my "society" and my family; the pictures, or definitions of what family is, what it means to be in partnership, or married.

It is time for me to release what does not work for me and create anew what it means to me to have a family. I am sitting in meditation with the feelings of what it means to me to be loved and chosen by another and offered support AND, do you know what? I can fill up on those feelings any time I want! It does not actually take another human being. If what I desire is to feel loved and supported, I can give that to myself. In fact, that is the only way for me to really have it. It always comes from within, we can never expect, nor rely, on another to supply us with anything. And if we won't take the time to give it to ourselves, how can we ask another to give it to us?

You see, I, you, we, many of us, were raised to believe that we would be complete, or full, or worthy, when we were married, or had children, or landed that perfect job, or got that degree. Many of us have woken up to that this is programming. It is time, now, to release those pictures, those old desires and fears and surrender to the universe.

Do you know who made you? I believe I am not my creator. I believe something much larger, which I like to call The Holy Spirit, created me. Therefore, I am not alone. I do not have to do it alone. I need not answer the questions I have. It's time that we make our business asking questions, asking for what we would like and then give it up to God, spirit, whatever you call your creator. I released those old pictures into the fire being, and prayed that Holy Spirit release me from my fears and bless me with love and peace.

As for him, I release him too, with this prayer from ACIM, "I give you to the holy spirit as part of myself, I know that you will be released unless I want to use you to imprison myself, in the name of my freedom I choose your release because I recognize we will be released together." Amen!

Bless you lovers on your journey. My prayer for you is that you be released from the bonds that you have created and open to the love and joy that is yours always. May we all forgive one another, for by doing so we forgive and free ourselves. Love is who we are, forever. :) Go make joy!

Baby It's Cold Outside

I'm in my pajamas in bed. I feel uber cozy and comfortable and I feel great about that. Today was day number four off of work and I look forward to my fifth day tomorrow. Boulder is a chilly -19 or so, which is a Colorado record, or so says me mum. Coldest night ever in Colorado! Fancy that! I am a snug bug in my rug and I'm alright with this news, I like novelty. Today I nurtured myself all day. I got a massage, went to the chiropractor, visited with my therapist (yes, I am in therapy and I love it and highly recommend it!) and I ate delicious, nutritious food and soaked in my hot tub, meditated, journaled, read, watched A Course in Miracles, sat in front of the warm fire and burned an old collage to release those prayers, and, best of all, my new roomie and I made delicious hot cocoa with cinnamon, cayenne pepper, chocolate and we whipped it up to make it frothy. Wow, how good can we have it? How amazing can you stand it? Just stay in the questions. You need not know how to answer! Learning to love myself has been a long journey, but I feel as if I am making grand strides, in this, my 33rd rotation around the sun. I am learning the joy of focusing my attention on me, asking myself what I desire, what I would like and giving it to myself. I am learning that my relationship with me is the most important one I will ever have and so it is time well spent to snuggle up with Self and nurture away. What did you do to nurture you today? Stay warm on this night and I bless you on your journey. My prayer for you tonight is that you experience rest, peace and the realization that you are the source of all you experience! So source away and make it gay! May you rejoice in the darkness of winter, knowing that the light within will always keep you warm. I love you.

"How much do you love yourself? It's good to know since it's directly related to how much you can truly love another. If you don't love yourself, you will make your lover pay for all of your guilt and sense of unworthiness. Learn to love yourself...clean up your mistakes, forgive those that need to be forgiven and heal those buttons that others can easily push." Quote from, "Daily Transformations."

After Awhile, We Get Use to Shit (I've done it to myself)

Forgive me my trespasses for using the word shit, but it's true. Sometimes when we put up with shit, we begin to get comfortable there, we forget we are in shit. Today I got up at 5:30 a.m. and went to Boot Camp. The only reason I got myself there was because I was resisting it so badly that I knew I should go. It has been a long time since I experienced my ego that strong- I've put it off for weeks, and even though I was awake by 5:15 naturally and already out of bed, I texted my girlfriend, "It's too early! I can't go!! My head hurts!!" Lying there, hoping she'd accept my resignation, I realized my life would never change if I kept playing the same old games. I texted back, "I'm up! I'm coming!" I threw on my clothes, slammed some water, and in the icy cold I made my way there. After jump roping, running, squats, knee kicks and butt kicks, dead hangs and throwing an 8 lb ball at the wall using my obliques, I began to feel ill. I made my way to the bathroom. There, I encountered my ego, shadow side, whatever you want to call it, louder than I have in some time. It was telling me I was worthless, fat, lazy, a loser, and that I couldn't do it. I wanted to quit life. I was ready to leave there, not go to work, and curl up in bed, surrendering to that the best of my life was behind me. I realized that I have not pushed myself that hard since I broke both bones in my lower leg four years ago and couldn't walk for three months and had to learn to walk again. All that sadness and shame and rage came boiling up to the surface. I realized I had become very comfortable in life, comfortable with shit and it was showing itself in all areas of my life. I have been complacent about my work, my body and well-being and my relationships. I have accepted shit for years now. You can openly shit on me and I will be comfortable with that. I knew, in the small confines of those brick walls, that if I wanted the life I dream of, it was time to push myself and get VERY uncomfortable. Lately, I am all about comfort. I want comfort foods, my comfortable bed, comfortable weather, comfortable relationships, so I will settle for shit and I call myself happy. I began to lovingly tell myself, "These are just thoughts. They are not true." Soon, my sickness passed and I grounded and centered myself and faced the people outside the door, still hard at work. I came out, letting go of shame, and resumed exercising. When I was done, many shared that lots of folks get sick their first time or two and have to sit out. Instantly, I realized, once again, I was not alone. Feelings of well-being returned, and I was reminded that there is no need EVER to feel shame. However, there is a need to push oneself to grow. Sometimes I think I am working hard, but I'm not. I am skimming by and calling it work. Like the fleas that stop jumping so high when a lid is put on the jar, I too have stopped jumping so high. Once that lid is removed, they never attempt to jump higher than they did before, they stay trapped, in an open jar, forever. I do not want to settle for shit when I can have anything I want for myself and my life. It's time, Rachel, it is time. Growth can cause pain, stretch marks, uncomfortableness. It's time to surrender to the pain, to go into it. I'm willing to push myself to be with the discomfort so I can transform life as I know it and get a kick-ass body in the process- a physical manifestation of my inner spiritual work.

"The only way out is through." -Akka Mahadevi

P.S. Update: Couple hours later I am seeing the world in a new perspective. I give thanks to my dear brother, Earl Raj Purdy and his amazing teachings of A Course in Miracles. See today's lesson on my wall if you want a serious turn-around with the thoughts you are currently thinking. Anyway, as much as it feels good to vent and say the word, "shit" as soon as that is out of my mouth I seek out a way to turn it around and get responsible for my occurring world. I realize that suffering is optional and the world I see is a reflection of my thoughts. So, let's express ourselves, but know the truth. And the truth is that which is true always. We are divine beings created by God and we are full of light and possibility and can create amazing wonders, but we must do the work of looking at our thoughts and be responsible for that our thoughts and perceptions create the world we see. "The world is innocent. No one is to blame. I've done this to myself." ACIM (Purdy) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNSPSXvvxE0

Rise Up

I have known so many selfish lovers
It really is sad
The way they rise up
After what they've just had

It is as if they think it is done
The show is over
The battle's been won

With their semen dripping down my thighs
I've tried to tell them
Between their goodbye's
Still they rise

On to the next task
Or thing to do
What? Ya gotta tie your shoe?

I mean what is more important than worshipping the Goddess?
What could you find to do
That could open you
To the divine mysteries that dwell within her soul?

They do not know
The vast ocean of delight and surprise
The ebbing and flowing
The sweet reprise

Oh man, if they only knew
The things we could feel
The things She can do

I am this ocean
This deep wave of blue
Ebbing and flowing
Succumbing to you

And i go deeper
Get better
If only you knew

But you're out the door
There's more to do

Oh man, when I'm alone
Loving in my bed
The rolling waves of pleasure
The visions in my head!

The deep convulsions
The pitter-patter of my heart
The swell of emotion
This is only the start!

On and on
My deepening goes
Ebbing and flowing
Only She knows

The vastness of pleasure
The startling sea
That is much like the moon
Swimming in you or in me
Bright like the stars
Warm as the sun
Ripples and tides
Coming undone

Jolts and pulses
Rising inside
Dark as the nights
Bright as the skies

She is me
She is we
A golden path
to our ecstasy

Hours upon hours
She could come to you
Hours upon hours
She could come!

Undone

We are one
In our blissful bath
Of God and Goddess
In our blissful bed
If we take the time
We can be the divine

This is a way
A way to love
This is a path
Not a push, nor a shove!

Oh my love!
Come to me!
Meet me here!
Kick off your shoes!
Forget your fear!

Ignite! Rejoice!
Deepen in me!
I am your access
To eternity!!