"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." ~Kahlil Gibran
Well, if this is true, then I have loved deeply, devotedly and with my whole heart. Last night, as the sobs came for the first time since our separation, I wailed from the inner depths of me, I thought I might die. It felt as though all the sadness and disappointment and pain from all my losses were released into my blood stream. My mind was overtaken with all the negative thoughts I have ever thought about myself and I thought I may never feel light again. I may never be able to love myself again, not after this. The wounded abyss inside felt like a dark and enveloping black whole and I sobbed and sobbed until at last, the reprieve. He, on the other hand, is settling nicely into a new love affair. He waited two weeks, folks. After a 12 paragraph letter about wanting to be alone, (and a week after professing his undying, unchanging love)needing to not be in relationship and wanting to really work on and focus on himself, he began chasing tail two weeks later. Long before we had completed, much less spoken, he was already engaging with a new woman. This could be shocking, were it not for the fact that this has happened, in our relationship, no less than six times. Six. Six times this man has left and settled his soul in the warmth of another woman. All the while telling me, as sure as the sun will rise, that he is done with me and is moving on and he is free to do as he so pleases. True that. With no regard for anyone else at all. That is your birthright. To act like a total douchebag over and over and shit on the ones you love. But hey, we all know that ain't love, folks. Not. even. close. He will insist, to this day, that he loves and cares about me very much, more than anyone else in his life. Ha! The seducing lameness of illusion! When he is loving me, he is sure then too, that his love is real and changed and for sure this time. I can count on him 100%, it won't change, he guarantees it. Buyer beware. This might seem harsh. You, the reader, may be a friend of his, or ours, or mine. This may seem like trash talking. I'm okay with that. After 19 months of being yanked around, pushed away then pulled back, I am angry. I am not going to lie to you and pretend and recite some nice quotes and suffer silently. I am going to air my dirty laundry, just like all good writers and emoters can and declare to the world the anguish in my heart, the truth of my sorrow and the bitter break of my bountiful heart. If I offend, you need not read on, in fact, ignore all communication from me, but please, do not insist that I be silent. When the war waged within is spoken about, shared, then I can begin to heal. I must first own that I have been yanked around and I am angry. It sucks.
No comments:
Post a Comment