I'm Likely to Lick You!

So you better watch out! :) Okay, not really, I am too well programmed from my past and still have all my guck about wanting to be liked and to fit in and I don't ever plan to go to jail. :)

Right now, I am looking at all these beings around me and all I see is walking Love. Love is up, awake and walking around! The beauty and mystery and power of you incredible beings astounds me. If ever I was sleeping, the Great Spirit has awoken me and sparked my heart to see the light that is in us. Maybe it is all that precious care I have been taking of myself. Maybe in learning to saturate myself in tenderness I have arisen from my sick bed to see you people anew- to see you with the eyes of a child. So often my desire is to pull you close, whisper in your ear that thing I think you might need to hear and then I would hold you close, tenderly nurturing that child in your heart who just wants to be reminded that you are safe and perfect and loved. After that, I might lick you. Simply to play and taste you, nectar of the Gods. You are the nectar of God. But actually, on second thought, I don't really want to go around licking everyone, but you get my drift, right?

So often I want to hug people. I may not know you well, but I feel the swell in my heart and want to share and express my love! And by the way, I know there are others out there just like me, so good job holding it together and acting subdued. And for those dark nights, or sunshiney days when you let it burst forth like lightning in a storm, good job! I invite us all to explode forth in our love just a little bit more. And if you lick me, I won't ever mind. :)

This one is for my late grandma, Jacqueline Bates Haynes Shewell. She loved everyone. I mean it, I know people say that but she would have held your hand if you were a stranger on the street who opened the door for her, and she would have looked you in the eye, and said with all of her heart, "Aw honey, I love you." She would have meant every word. I watched her, day after day, year after year, be a crusader for that all people deserved our love. God grandma, you did it so well. You are my hero and I hope I am making you proud. And Holy Spirit, what would you have me do? Where would you have me go? What would you have me say and who would you have me say it to? Oh, and grandma, I found God. Your one wish. I didn't find "him" like you thought- it is not via the Bible or a Southern Baptist Church. Turns out, it was in me all along, it is who I really am. I just forgot for awhile. :)

The Holy Spirit is Present, Even at the DMV.

I lost my license. The picture on my last one was taken when I was in my early twenties. It was a really good picture. People always tell me so. Today, I have gray hairs. Today, I am 13 pounds heavier. Today, I have wrinkles. I thought of all these things as I approached the DMV, seeing myself age before my own eyes, letting go of things of the past.

When I arrived it was surprisingly packed for a Friday morning, I mean, aren't you all supposed to be working? My number said 909 and the sign read 548. What?! I sat down for a few moments and then walked to the coffee shop and to my car to get my notebook so I could write, how else was I to "kill" all this time?

I noticed my ego was making this situation wrong. It shouldn't be this way, this is my day off. I stopped myself mid-thought. I prayed to the Holy Spirit, your will be done, and decided that if where I was right now was the DMV then that is exactly perfect and I am going to open up to seeing the presence of God.

I went back in and sat down in a new spot. I glanced at a thin, tall, blonde woman with blue eyes and a chiseled face. My immediate thought was that she did not seem very friendly. I shared aloud, "I thought I was number 909 but I just realized I read it upside down and I am number 606, my day just got better!" She looked at me and laughed and we began to talk. By the end of the hour and a half I learned that she was a nurse in a downtown Denver hospital. She worked 12 1/2 hour shifts with no lunch break. Sometimes her patients would all ring for her at once and one might be angry and yell at her by the time she arrived. She has a daughter who is in 2nd grade who studied hard for her spelling test and was nervous this morning. We both grew up in Ohio. She asked if I had seen the movie, "Waiting for Superman." I shared with her my perspective on teaching and education, we shared what we would do if we ran the world. My notebook for writing barely got touched. I spent the whole time getting to know her. Soon her mom came in and we three began to laugh and chat. We discussed the military, nursing, education, the financial system, retirement, lunch breaks and science trivia. Others began to come and sit near us. No one else spoke, but many looked at us, made eye contact, smiled. We were the only folks in the whole place talking.

It has always interested me how human beings behave in many public spaces. For example, at my local gym everyone just ignores everybody else and it is often eerily silent. I sometimes desire to just start talking. Wouldn't you rather connect with me than watch TV? For many folks, the answer is no. There is a culture, especially in Colorado, of easy going, I mind my business and you mind yours and we leave each other alone. I have often thought that we could revolutionize humanity's relating to one another if we just all started talking to each other wherever we are. These strange social norms developed over time, where we each have our roles to play, keep us separate and distant. I am the customer, you are the sales rep. I am the teacher, you are the parent. I want to connect with you and know you beyond our roles. I want laughter in the stiffest of silent places.

In a small pale room called the DMV, with florescent lights and white linoleum tile, full of people sitting in chairs with headphones on, or starting at the wall, or scrolling through their phones, we can miss the opportunity to connect with and honor the holy spirit that is in each one of us always. We never know who is sitting next to us. A hero, a great teacher, a fabulous mother. What is possible if we wake up to that we are all the same in our essence, we are all equal, none of us is greater? I mean beyond knowing this intellectually, I mean acting like there is no separation publicly. I mean like loving, hugging, smiling, touching the stranger on the airplane, the TSA agent, the grocery clerk. I want so badly for our personas to melt way so the essence of our magnificence can shine forth.

I also met Eric, whose picture is included here. He played ukelele outside while we waited and shared that he picked out his favorite shirt for his new picture on his license. He is studying biology and philosophy at CU and shared with me a unique project I can do with students about DNA.


In the end, though I walked out of there with a photo of an older version of me, the woman on the inside is wise and deep. Sure, in my early twenties my skin was tighter and thinner and I looked young and beautiful. However, that girl, would not have thought twice about talking to anyone at the DMV. That girl, didn't have the same caverns and wells of depth developed within to turn a simple trip to the local DMV into an adventure in opening to God. So, as I age, and my skin goes slack and my hair turns dull, I know all the beauty is soaking deeper in to my insides, igniting the lantern within. For in the end, all this of the false, external world, will fall away, including the DMV, and all we will have is the work we have done on our insides.

Let us cultivate beauty within, at least as much as we attend to the beauty of the external. As Eckhart Tolle says, "Be at least as interested in what is going on inside as outside."

I dream of a day when we are free, beyond what we know that word to mean now. A day when my brothers and sisters don't spend their precious free time getting a license to verify their identity. A day when my precious brothers and sisters are not indentured servants to a job they hate. A day when the beautiful woman behind the counter, who spends day after day in a little box, on an old stool, under horrible lights, doesn't have to be there anymore, and is free to explore and create and live and love and has all her needs taken care of.

Our abundance does not come from our paycheck. Our source is much greater than that, let us all bow down and acknowledge the true source and free ourselves of the chains that bind.

Hell Hath No Fury...

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." ~Kahlil Gibran

Well, if this is true, then I have loved deeply, devotedly and with my whole heart. Last night, as the sobs came for the first time since our separation, I wailed from the inner depths of me, I thought I might die. It felt as though all the sadness and disappointment and pain from all my losses were released into my blood stream. My mind was overtaken with all the negative thoughts I have ever thought about myself and I thought I may never feel light again. I may never be able to love myself again, not after this. The wounded abyss inside felt like a dark and enveloping black whole and I sobbed and sobbed until at last, the reprieve. He, on the other hand, is settling nicely into a new love affair. He waited two weeks, folks. After a 12 paragraph letter about wanting to be alone, (and a week after professing his undying, unchanging love)needing to not be in relationship and wanting to really work on and focus on himself, he began chasing tail two weeks later. Long before we had completed, much less spoken, he was already engaging with a new woman. This could be shocking, were it not for the fact that this has happened, in our relationship, no less than six times. Six. Six times this man has left and settled his soul in the warmth of another woman. All the while telling me, as sure as the sun will rise, that he is done with me and is moving on and he is free to do as he so pleases. True that. With no regard for anyone else at all. That is your birthright. To act like a total douchebag over and over and shit on the ones you love. But hey, we all know that ain't love, folks. Not. even. close. He will insist, to this day, that he loves and cares about me very much, more than anyone else in his life. Ha! The seducing lameness of illusion! When he is loving me, he is sure then too, that his love is real and changed and for sure this time. I can count on him 100%, it won't change, he guarantees it. Buyer beware. This might seem harsh. You, the reader, may be a friend of his, or ours, or mine. This may seem like trash talking. I'm okay with that. After 19 months of being yanked around, pushed away then pulled back, I am angry. I am not going to lie to you and pretend and recite some nice quotes and suffer silently. I am going to air my dirty laundry, just like all good writers and emoters can and declare to the world the anguish in my heart, the truth of my sorrow and the bitter break of my bountiful heart. If I offend, you need not read on, in fact, ignore all communication from me, but please, do not insist that I be silent. When the war waged within is spoken about, shared, then I can begin to heal. I must first own that I have been yanked around and I am angry. It sucks.

On the Wings of Forgiveness

"Lonely is the soul who cannot forgive. For when you hold something against another you hold it against yourself and isolate yourself. When you are angry with someone, you withhold that which is of value to you, the positive qualities of being, from that person. What happens when you do this? As long as you are withholding that which is beautiful, valuable, and wonderful from the other person, you cannot give it to yourself either. Try it and see what happens.

As we forgive others, so we are forgiven.

Forgiving begins with your willingness to give to spirit regardless of what condition it is in.

Forgiveness doesn't demand that you condone what others do; you only need to give willingly to the life within them, which is the same one life within you. Each time you forgive, you heal the spirit trapped within the action and the person.

Often we resist forgiving for fear that, in forgiving, the hurtful experience may be repeated. In truth, however, it is only in forgiving that we cull the wisdom from our experience and, once the lesson is learned, we need not repeat it."

You Are the Answer by Michael Tamura

Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy;

O divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

How could anything that created us with love put us in a place where we could even be hurt by accident

Breastfeeding Now Legal!

Ha! Okay, not really, but apparently construction and major corporations have caught up with biology. There is a now a "lactation" room for women at wholefoods. Fancy that! You have to feed your young?

5 Ways to Beat the Winter Blues

1. Peppermint Oil- put it in tea or water, inhale, etc. The menthol has anti-depressant properties. Inhale before a workout for extra energy.

2. Fluorescent light. Changes melatonin in your brain- reduces melatonin and inhibits depression.

3. Chili Peppers- one chemical in them naturally boosts energy. Great for mid-afternoon slump.

4. Ginger Tea- helps with metabolism. Calms the inflammation of the body, helps with weight.

5. Ginkgo Biloba- supports healthy blood flow to the brain.

Wise Wench, Colors.

My inner child's message to me. Drawn with non-dominant hand.
And another.
Crayons. ;)
An altar for me, by me, for her. I'm 5. I'm petting a deer. I look fucking adorable!
For cleansing. And love.
And protection.
And ritual.
Tonight I stayed in. I danced around in my living room to some of my favorite, I'm a funkin' powerful woman and I got major juju music! Got some face crack and then went to my hot tub to soak and ground. I filled myself up with juicy me energy and then laid on my couch. wet. knowing it would get wet. ain't no one gonna tell me what to do, yo! :)

After showering and rubbing myself up with some fine jojoba oil, I ate delicious avocado with salt. mm. Licked my lips a lot. Folded and put away clothes and then began to color with my non-dominant hand, advice from high council. My roomie and I then made the fire you see, of salt and alcohol, to cleanse our space. We set intentions, created sacred space and protection for we, the beautiful women, of our tipi.

A story came to mind of a time when I was young, and hurt. I got up and grabbed a picture of my cute 5 year old self and made an altar to me, my inner child, my dear, gentle, angel self. I protected her with rose quartz, hearts, an angel, and Ganesha. Above the altar, a note to myself reads, "You are free to birth whatever you so desire." So mote it be. I love loving myself this well. Yes! Here's to art, coloring, non-dominance, balance, tenderness and honoring innocence.

Oh man, have we come so far, we are doing so well. Create a little sacred space for you, or the little one who dwells within.

Dirty Laundry? Air it Out!

When lovers go
It can feel like a cold wind
A dark night
Wrapping itself around my heart

I sink into the shallows
A baby's pool of pity and grasping emotion
To struggle for breath
Only to awaken to that I am an adult now
And I can take care of myself
And there is a wise woman within

So it is time for the child to stop running the show
And for me to look at all the ways I abandon myself

And forgive my father
And heal those wounds
From a child's perspective

And how did this become my cross to bear?
And how long will it take?
And do you know?

And so I hold her
Like only a big girl can
I soothe her
If I had been there when she was small
I would have wrapped her in warmth
Held her till she slept
I could not then
I can now

The journey towards wholeness
Towards sovereignty, only to realize oneness
Seems cold and lonely, where I sit right now.

I pray for peace
I want so badly to experience love

For warm winds and bright sun
So I may once again remember
From whence I come...

You know I've heard
We already made it home
This is us, remembering the journey.
I am so glad.

Manifesting Accident!

The lovely fire being.

Nourishing food: Eggs, yellow pepper, pesto, garlic, cheese, salsa, spinach, avocado, spelt tortilla


Today is wishcasting Wednesday, A new moon, Candlemas, Imbolc, and Ground Hog Day! Enjoy this mid-point between the winter solstice and the spring equinox!

Last night, my beautiful roommate, Jennifer, made a VERY intentional fire, prayed to all directions and tended the fire ALL night long. Never have I seen someone be so present and honoring of the fire being, nor have I seen someone gently nudge and nurture a fire for hours on end. At one point, when we were gazing into the flames, she asked what I do with my old collages. Truthfully, I either keep them hidden away, or I recycle them. She asked if I wanted to burn any to release the prayers. One collage in particular appeared in my mind. YES, I have one I want to burn, and I want to burn it BADLY!

Just recently, a lover of mine, a man I love, took his ex-girlfriend on a trip to Napa Valley. On one of my favorite collages there is a picture of a man and a woman in Napa Valley, at a vineyard, feeding one another grapes. Coincidentally, I had just recently pulled out this collage and hung it on my wall. You see, I think I manifested my desire, I just was not specific enough. :) I did not ensure and intend that I wanted that couple in the picture to be ME and my lover, not my lover and another woman. Oops.

I got up from the fire and pulled out the collage. She and I looked over it very carefully. I realized that the man in the picture, tall, dark and handsome, sure did look like my lover, and the woman? She did not look like me. Not at all. Bummer. Something about my intentions and creation of that collage seemed to be me creating some desires on top of fears. It was made in a time when I could see a picture of what I wanted but really did not believe that I could actually have it. And you see, even the "picture" of what I wanted relationship to look like was formed from programming from my family and culture. I am really looking at the programming I inherited from my "society" and my family; the pictures, or definitions of what family is, what it means to be in partnership, or married.

It is time for me to release what does not work for me and create anew what it means to me to have a family. I am sitting in meditation with the feelings of what it means to me to be loved and chosen by another and offered support AND, do you know what? I can fill up on those feelings any time I want! It does not actually take another human being. If what I desire is to feel loved and supported, I can give that to myself. In fact, that is the only way for me to really have it. It always comes from within, we can never expect, nor rely, on another to supply us with anything. And if we won't take the time to give it to ourselves, how can we ask another to give it to us?

You see, I, you, we, many of us, were raised to believe that we would be complete, or full, or worthy, when we were married, or had children, or landed that perfect job, or got that degree. Many of us have woken up to that this is programming. It is time, now, to release those pictures, those old desires and fears and surrender to the universe.

Do you know who made you? I believe I am not my creator. I believe something much larger, which I like to call The Holy Spirit, created me. Therefore, I am not alone. I do not have to do it alone. I need not answer the questions I have. It's time that we make our business asking questions, asking for what we would like and then give it up to God, spirit, whatever you call your creator. I released those old pictures into the fire being, and prayed that Holy Spirit release me from my fears and bless me with love and peace.

As for him, I release him too, with this prayer from ACIM, "I give you to the holy spirit as part of myself, I know that you will be released unless I want to use you to imprison myself, in the name of my freedom I choose your release because I recognize we will be released together." Amen!

Bless you lovers on your journey. My prayer for you is that you be released from the bonds that you have created and open to the love and joy that is yours always. May we all forgive one another, for by doing so we forgive and free ourselves. Love is who we are, forever. :) Go make joy!

Baby It's Cold Outside

I'm in my pajamas in bed. I feel uber cozy and comfortable and I feel great about that. Today was day number four off of work and I look forward to my fifth day tomorrow. Boulder is a chilly -19 or so, which is a Colorado record, or so says me mum. Coldest night ever in Colorado! Fancy that! I am a snug bug in my rug and I'm alright with this news, I like novelty. Today I nurtured myself all day. I got a massage, went to the chiropractor, visited with my therapist (yes, I am in therapy and I love it and highly recommend it!) and I ate delicious, nutritious food and soaked in my hot tub, meditated, journaled, read, watched A Course in Miracles, sat in front of the warm fire and burned an old collage to release those prayers, and, best of all, my new roomie and I made delicious hot cocoa with cinnamon, cayenne pepper, chocolate and we whipped it up to make it frothy. Wow, how good can we have it? How amazing can you stand it? Just stay in the questions. You need not know how to answer! Learning to love myself has been a long journey, but I feel as if I am making grand strides, in this, my 33rd rotation around the sun. I am learning the joy of focusing my attention on me, asking myself what I desire, what I would like and giving it to myself. I am learning that my relationship with me is the most important one I will ever have and so it is time well spent to snuggle up with Self and nurture away. What did you do to nurture you today? Stay warm on this night and I bless you on your journey. My prayer for you tonight is that you experience rest, peace and the realization that you are the source of all you experience! So source away and make it gay! May you rejoice in the darkness of winter, knowing that the light within will always keep you warm. I love you.

"How much do you love yourself? It's good to know since it's directly related to how much you can truly love another. If you don't love yourself, you will make your lover pay for all of your guilt and sense of unworthiness. Learn to love yourself...clean up your mistakes, forgive those that need to be forgiven and heal those buttons that others can easily push." Quote from, "Daily Transformations."

After Awhile, We Get Use to Shit (I've done it to myself)

Forgive me my trespasses for using the word shit, but it's true. Sometimes when we put up with shit, we begin to get comfortable there, we forget we are in shit. Today I got up at 5:30 a.m. and went to Boot Camp. The only reason I got myself there was because I was resisting it so badly that I knew I should go. It has been a long time since I experienced my ego that strong- I've put it off for weeks, and even though I was awake by 5:15 naturally and already out of bed, I texted my girlfriend, "It's too early! I can't go!! My head hurts!!" Lying there, hoping she'd accept my resignation, I realized my life would never change if I kept playing the same old games. I texted back, "I'm up! I'm coming!" I threw on my clothes, slammed some water, and in the icy cold I made my way there. After jump roping, running, squats, knee kicks and butt kicks, dead hangs and throwing an 8 lb ball at the wall using my obliques, I began to feel ill. I made my way to the bathroom. There, I encountered my ego, shadow side, whatever you want to call it, louder than I have in some time. It was telling me I was worthless, fat, lazy, a loser, and that I couldn't do it. I wanted to quit life. I was ready to leave there, not go to work, and curl up in bed, surrendering to that the best of my life was behind me. I realized that I have not pushed myself that hard since I broke both bones in my lower leg four years ago and couldn't walk for three months and had to learn to walk again. All that sadness and shame and rage came boiling up to the surface. I realized I had become very comfortable in life, comfortable with shit and it was showing itself in all areas of my life. I have been complacent about my work, my body and well-being and my relationships. I have accepted shit for years now. You can openly shit on me and I will be comfortable with that. I knew, in the small confines of those brick walls, that if I wanted the life I dream of, it was time to push myself and get VERY uncomfortable. Lately, I am all about comfort. I want comfort foods, my comfortable bed, comfortable weather, comfortable relationships, so I will settle for shit and I call myself happy. I began to lovingly tell myself, "These are just thoughts. They are not true." Soon, my sickness passed and I grounded and centered myself and faced the people outside the door, still hard at work. I came out, letting go of shame, and resumed exercising. When I was done, many shared that lots of folks get sick their first time or two and have to sit out. Instantly, I realized, once again, I was not alone. Feelings of well-being returned, and I was reminded that there is no need EVER to feel shame. However, there is a need to push oneself to grow. Sometimes I think I am working hard, but I'm not. I am skimming by and calling it work. Like the fleas that stop jumping so high when a lid is put on the jar, I too have stopped jumping so high. Once that lid is removed, they never attempt to jump higher than they did before, they stay trapped, in an open jar, forever. I do not want to settle for shit when I can have anything I want for myself and my life. It's time, Rachel, it is time. Growth can cause pain, stretch marks, uncomfortableness. It's time to surrender to the pain, to go into it. I'm willing to push myself to be with the discomfort so I can transform life as I know it and get a kick-ass body in the process- a physical manifestation of my inner spiritual work.

"The only way out is through." -Akka Mahadevi

P.S. Update: Couple hours later I am seeing the world in a new perspective. I give thanks to my dear brother, Earl Raj Purdy and his amazing teachings of A Course in Miracles. See today's lesson on my wall if you want a serious turn-around with the thoughts you are currently thinking. Anyway, as much as it feels good to vent and say the word, "shit" as soon as that is out of my mouth I seek out a way to turn it around and get responsible for my occurring world. I realize that suffering is optional and the world I see is a reflection of my thoughts. So, let's express ourselves, but know the truth. And the truth is that which is true always. We are divine beings created by God and we are full of light and possibility and can create amazing wonders, but we must do the work of looking at our thoughts and be responsible for that our thoughts and perceptions create the world we see. "The world is innocent. No one is to blame. I've done this to myself." ACIM (Purdy) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNSPSXvvxE0

Waiting

I'm sitting at The Laughing Goat. Music appropriate for funky muppets is playing loudly. I am warm, grateful for the sun which has just begun to shine through the window. I keep analyzing and judging the man sitting next to me, as he goes on and on and seems to be talking mostly because he is enjoying it. I feel sorry for the girl next to him, and all the while I am reminding myself that I am judging and actually may have no idea what is really going on. The man in the corner is reading with his thick, full beard. There's a girl who is quite beautiful and every time her table companion leaves, she opens a mirror compact and checks her face. I am sore from yoga last night and finally done with my report cards for school. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for the first time ever I am not joining my biological family. This is a big deal for me, a step towards loving myself enough to choose wisely what feels good for me. Baby steps. I will be with chosen family tomorrow, spirit family, and I am so ever grateful that I have friends to gather with. Oh god, this guy next to me again, I wish she would get up and leave him. Probably because I know there are so many times when I should walk away when some narcissist is pounding his thoughts into me. YES! She just walked away. Hell yeah, girl. You go. She's back. Without a breath he starts talking again, "So, like..." She interrupts him. I wonder how well he knows what he is saying. Does he reflect? Does he take seminars? Train himself? Read? Meditate? If not, I think she is running in a hamster wheel. Oh Lord, look at me projecting myself all over them. Thankful for the two folks who showed up in front of me so I can see what really gets my goat. That's why I'm at the Laughing Goat! To have my goat get gotten so I can see what I need for my own growth. And, as I realize this, I am laughing. The lighting shines a warm brown hue on everything making it all seem cozy and warm. The tables, mostly full with single folks or couples talking. The man with the beard was just joined by a lady friend who jumped up and down and hugged him when she entered. He is full of smiles now as he shares his book with her. In this moment I feel quiet and calm. The other man is raising his voice now and asking her if she understands the difference between his two logical statements. She's pissed now. I wonder what their intentions are? He seems to be enjoying an intellectual discourse and forgetting that a human being, with wants, desires and emotions is in front of him. She is but a means to end for him. He gets to know himself better by projecting all over her and vise versa. The music is now loud, heavy metal and stressful to my senses. I suddenly become self conscious, realizing I am looking around and simultaneously typing and wonder if people are noticing me? I am using all of them for me to practice my writing. As I sit here I am loaded with a heavy weight, wondering about the purpose of it all. Wondering if I will ever know what it is all about? Will I ever be fulfilled? Will I always be searching for something else, something more? I can enjoy my time with friends, my time alone. So far this week I have visited with friends, gotten a massage, gone to class, meditated, done yoga, sat in my hot tub, written my thoughts, watched a move, but it is all done with this certain feeling that I am waiting for something. Waiting to wake up. Waiting to travel. Waiting to have a different career, waiting to have a new lover. I am in a constant state of waiting. I keep buying all these books. I distract myself with reading other people talking about seeing the joy and innocence in the moment. Oh God, this guy is driving me nuts. He is now my biggest teacher. Non-resistance. I go to my car to add money to the meter. It is so cold, wind slaps my skin. Brr. Am I now waiting until spring? Waiting until it warms up?

To Savor Sweetness Like the Honey Bee, I Promise to Do for Me:

Daily Goals:

Up by 6:30 a.m.

Eat breakfast every day

Meditate 20 minutes a day at least

Walk 30 minutes/ day

Drink lots of H2O

Write every day

Smile more often

Laugh daily

Lighten up

Gratitude daily

In bed by 10 p.m. on the weekdays, flooding my body with consciousness and saying my prayers for the incredibly divine abundance I experience each and every day!

Weekly Goals:

Dance 2 x a week

Yoga 2 x a week

Weights 2 x a week

One poem written weekly

Time in nature every week

Time with loved ones every week

Do readings 1x a week minimum

Attend my Clairvoyant class every Monday

Monthly Goals:

Save 75.00 per month

Meet and reflect upon daily/weekly goals

Go out of town

Do something new

Longer term goals:

Yoga teacher training, Core Power Yoga

NIA white belt training

MFA Creative Writing, CU, Boulder, Colorado- or- MFA, Naropa University

Italy, Peru, South of France

Dathun meditation retreat, Crestone, Colorado

Develop a relationship with my father

Write my memoir

Publish poems

Write a book for children and illustrate it myself

Put your stock not in the fabled future my friend,
for everything always only happens in the now
Do not wish away this grand ol' day
Wanting for a fabled way...

Rise Up

I have known so many selfish lovers
It really is sad
The way they rise up
After what they've just had

It is as if they think it is done
The show is over
The battle's been won

With their semen dripping down my thighs
I've tried to tell them
Between their goodbye's
Still they rise

On to the next task
Or thing to do
What? Ya gotta tie your shoe?

I mean what is more important than worshipping the Goddess?
What could you find to do
That could open you
To the divine mysteries that dwell within her soul?

They do not know
The vast ocean of delight and surprise
The ebbing and flowing
The sweet reprise

Oh man, if they only knew
The things we could feel
The things She can do

I am this ocean
This deep wave of blue
Ebbing and flowing
Succumbing to you

And i go deeper
Get better
If only you knew

But you're out the door
There's more to do

Oh man, when I'm alone
Loving in my bed
The rolling waves of pleasure
The visions in my head!

The deep convulsions
The pitter-patter of my heart
The swell of emotion
This is only the start!

On and on
My deepening goes
Ebbing and flowing
Only She knows

The vastness of pleasure
The startling sea
That is much like the moon
Swimming in you or in me
Bright like the stars
Warm as the sun
Ripples and tides
Coming undone

Jolts and pulses
Rising inside
Dark as the nights
Bright as the skies

She is me
She is we
A golden path
to our ecstasy

Hours upon hours
She could come to you
Hours upon hours
She could come!

Undone

We are one
In our blissful bath
Of God and Goddess
In our blissful bed
If we take the time
We can be the divine

This is a way
A way to love
This is a path
Not a push, nor a shove!

Oh my love!
Come to me!
Meet me here!
Kick off your shoes!
Forget your fear!

Ignite! Rejoice!
Deepen in me!
I am your access
To eternity!!

Wishcasting Wednesday? What Do You Wish to Shed?

I wish to shed the old belief that I am not lovable. That me, as I am right here and now is somehow not enough. Lacking. Not worthy.

I wish to shed that I am responsible for other people's feelings.

I shed that I have to work hard to have abundance.

I let go of avoidance of the present moment.

I let go that I have to have something to be abundant.

I shed the idea that romantic relationships are sad and disappointing.

I shed that I am my mother.

I shed the cap that my family and my programming has on me and what is possible.

I shed the old paradigms that I inherited of what love is, what family is, what it means to be successful.

I shed that I can't make my dreams come true.

I shed that I have to have coffee.

I shed that I can't have coffee.

I shed that if I have a family I will lose myself.

I shed that I am not doing enough.

I shed that I must be like others.

But most of all, I shed that there is anything I must shed.

Showcase

Like a shade drawn over a window
I feel separated from you

Like our love...
Was it love?
Blossomed anew
Right in front of our eyes
Or was I just a place to relax between thighs?

I got frightened
Demanding

You lost your temper
Dumped your past on me like a suitcase
That flies open
On a bumpy flight
Scattered fragments
Of a you
You are letting go
A light
Is igniting anew
I see it
So do you

So why this dumping?
This explicit showcase
Drowning me in images
Of times and people gone by

You decided we were through?
Next stop is what you were on to?
Makes it easier to walk away
Fill me with your stories
Then tell me there is nothing to say?

And the sex?
As if we had opened
As if we had time
To blossom like the luminous flower
Bursts towards the sun
Do you want me to run?
When slow and steady is my pace

Sexy softening
Revealing in layers
Stewing in feminine grace
Sweetly oozing my flavors
I receive and savor
The intoxicating power of you

In time
With trust
I reveal my lust

Following your finger
As you trace the curves of my skin
I want to jump in
Lick you from within

Your slow, soft touch
Moments of blissful unfolding
Kissing you in the warm sun
Opening
Coming undone

Melting in your embrace
Not fucking fast, like a race
I have done that
Been there
I don't need that showcase

I want explosions
A bursting of stars
Not this symphony of old scars

Are you in a hurry?
Like a ticking clock
Late for a date
This moment second rate

You were always leaving
Even before I knew you were coming

I leave
You go
Nothing much is said but, "Know."
You want me to just know
I get it
It's true
There is so much to see
Within me
Truth
Rising like a fire
To warm my heart
Presence
A new start
Why talk?
Mental chatter
Given a stage
Does it ignite your rage?

But still, I am human
I want to hear the words from your mouth
I want to see the way your lips move as you say, "I love you too. I will be back. I want you."

Does this make me needy?
To desire to hear
The sweet words of reciprocation as they fall from your tongue
To my ear
This is how I want to know you
To share

Deeply
In many tender places
On dark, cold nights
So I can warm
My heart
By the fire
Of our light

So I go back
To slow and steady wins the race
We are friends
We can reveal at a slow pace
Get to know one another
Reveal our true face

I like how you showed up in my life.
Quietly, easily, I walked in and there you were. You smiled. I knew.
Days passed and each new week I grew more excited to see you and this even surprised me. I was newly out of a relationship, you were too, and yet there we were. New lights, new souls, connecting. I dreamt of you at night. Thought of you during the days.